Most viewed jokes

A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem. He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "this is what your wife needs, at least once a day!" The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "Ok, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"

A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying. The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!" The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?" The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"

What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
→ A pineapple!

A local florist just went out of business, but it was his own fault.

He kept getting his orders mixed up. One woman received flowers sent by her husband, who was at a business meeting in Florida. She was perplexed by the message on her card:

- Our deepest sympathy.

But she was not nearly as surprised as the woman whose husband had just passed away. Her card read:

- Hotter here than I expected. Too bad you didn't come too.

A guy says to a salesgirl:

- I want to buy some toilet paper.

She says:

- What color?

He says:

- Just give me white. I'll color it myself.

A young boy asked his mother "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?" "Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother. The young boy answered "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary."

- Want a quickie?

- As opposed to what?

A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the Maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait.

- Would you like to wait in the bar, Sir? - he says.

The man goes into the bar and the bartender says:

- What'll it be?

The man replies:

- Give me a Stoli with a twist.

The bartender pauses for a few seconds, then smiles and says:

- Once upon time, there were FOUR little peegs . . .

35 People and an Irishman were in a 4 engine jumbo jet heading over the Pacific Ocean. Suddenly, a Message is announced:

- Ladies and Gentlemen Engine #2 has Died, We will be 30 mins late

- Damn! - Said the Irishman. 10 mins later:

- I'm sorry people Engine #3 has died, We'll be 1 hour late

20 mins later:

- Every one, engine # 4 has died, sorry, We'll be 2 hours late

Suddenly the Irish man speaks out:

- Bloody hell, If the last engine goes we'll be stuck up here all day!!

A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest...the grass was very thick and long, and it took the boy about 4 hours to cut. He approached the Father for payment and the priest paid him $1.00.

The boy said:

- Thank you, virgin Father!

The priest replied:

- What did you say?

The boy repeated:

- Thank you, virgin Father!

The priest asked him:

- Do you know what that means?

The boy replied:

- Yes.... tight ass!