Most viewed jokes

What is the difference between school dinners and a pile of slugs?
→ School dinners come on a plate!

- Hey, Pal - the irate druggist shouted.

- Put that cigar out while you are in my store!

- I bought this cigar here! - claimed the Customer.

- Big Deal! - said the Druggist.

- We sell condoms too.

Why did the punk cross the road?
→ Because he was stapled to the chickens back.

Gross is having to tuck your hemorrhoid into your sock so you won't step on it when you walk.

A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it is his daughter's birthday and that he hasn't bought her anything. Out the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it was "now or never", he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall. After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of a shop assistant. When asked what he would like, he simply says:

- a Barbie doll.

The shop assistant looks at him in the particularly condescending manner that only shop assistants can muster up and asks:

- Which Barbie would that be, sir?

The man looks surprised so the assistant continues:

- We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie dates BaddTeddy for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night Clubbing for $19.95, Cyber Barbie for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $265.00

The man can't help himself and asks:

- why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the other Barbies are selling for $19.95?

- That's obvious! - says the assistant.

- Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....

This black guy is walking along a beach when he looks down and sees an antique lamp. Thinking that he'll get enough money for another vial of crack, he takes the bottle home and starts to clean it. He starts rubbing the lamp, when all of a sudden a Jewish genie appears, and being a Jewish genie, he say's to the nigger that he have two wishes. The black guy thinks for a couple of seconds, and quickly says:

- I want to be white and surrounded by cunt.

In an instant he is turned into a tampon.

Now the morale of this story is: Don't ever expect anything from a Jew without strings attached.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

How do you know when a redneck isn't wearing any underwear?
→ There's dandruff on his/her shoes.

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man. She asks:

- You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?

The old man replies:

- I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth.

The journalist is amazed.

- How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things? - she asks.

The old man looks at her sadly:

- Like I'm talking to a wall.

Imagine, if you will, three temperate southern (US) women rocking away on a porch as the sultry summer's day comes to a slow end. The horizon is awash with the sun's setting hues. A few pesky no-see-ums fly about.

The first lady speaks up in her slow, southern drawl and says:

- Sisters, I've been thinking. Each of us has a husband whose name is LeRoy. It's been mighty confusing lately. Sometimes when I yell 'LeRoy!!' your husband comes and sometimes yours answers and once in a while mine comes. I think it's time we rename our husbands to end the confusion.

Quiet returns to the porch scene only to be interrupted by the creaking of the old rocking chairs on the loose planks. The first lady again speaks up and says:

- I think I'll name my husband 'Seven-UP'.

- Why, sister, why are you going to name your husband 'Seven-UP'? - queries one of the old gals.

- Why, he's got seven inches and it's always up! - replies the first lady.

The second lady then muses a bit and says:

- I think I'm going to name my LeRoy 'Mountain Dew'.

- Why, sister, why are you going to name him 'Mountain Dew'?

- Well, cuz mountin' is one thing he do real well - the second lady says.

Both then turn to the third woman as she rocks slowly in her chair and of her they ask:

- And, what will you name your husband, sister?

- I've been thinking that I just might name him 'Jack Daniels' - she said.

- Why, sister, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor!!

- That's my LeRoy! - the third woman responds.