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Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven.

- Hungry, Seymour? - the Lord asked.

- I could eat - said Seymour.

The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.

While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka.

The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were hungry, and Seymour again said:

- I could eat.

Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy, and chocolates.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. Meekly, Seymour said:

- Lord, I am very happy to be in heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't understand.

The Lord said:

- To be honest, Seymour, for just two people, does it pay to cook?

Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversation.

After a while one of them said:

- You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation: A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married. Lately, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.

Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother had a son. This boy was my half brother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grandson. That made me grandfather of my half-brother. This was nothing until my wife and I had a son.

Now the sister of my son, my mother-in-law is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife. I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my own grandfather and you think you have family problems.

A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicoloured hair that's green, purple and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewellery and his earring are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles.

Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man:

- What are you looking at you old fart...didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?

Without missing a beat, the old man replies:

- Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy I got really drunk one night in Singapore and had sex with a parrot.... I thought maybe you were my son.

If a couple from Tennessee get a legal divorce, can they still be brother and sister?

Yo mama's so stupid, she ordered a cheeseburger without the cheese.

Yo Momma so black when she goes swimming poeple thinks shes and oil spill.

A jogger running down a country road is startled as a horse yells at him:

- Hey-come over hear buddy. The jogger is stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks:

- Were you talking to me? The horse replies:

- Sure was, man, I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plow and I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me. I'll make you some money cause I can still run. The jogger thought to himself:

- boy a talking horse

Dollar signs started appearing in his head.

So he runs to the house and the old farmer is sitting on the porch. The jogger tells the farmer:

- Hey man I'll give you $5,000 for that old broken down nag you've got in the field. The farmer replies:

- Son you can't believe anything that horse says-He's never even been to Kentucky.

A guy who has a stuttering problem goes in to his doctor and says:

- Ex-ex-ex-cu-cu-se m-m-me d-d-oc but I I I have th-th-this st-st-stuttering problem and I I I was wo-wondering if you c-c-c-could help m-m-m-me.

- Well take off your clothes and get into this gown and let me check you over.

The guy gets into the gown and the doc begins his check-up.

The doctor is quite surprised:

- I see what the problem is your penis is so large that it's pulling on you abdominal muscles which in turn is causing a strain on your vocal chords.

- W-w-w-well c-c-can you h-h-help m-m-me?

- Sure I can but we'll need to cut off about 8 inches

- I-I-I-I can't t-t-t-take this an-any more do it.

Six months later the guy goes back to the doc:

- Well doc I must say that the operation was a great success but my sex life really sucks and I would like my operation reversed. Please put back what you took off

The doc replies:

- F-f-f-f-f-fuck Off!

A woman visits her physician. After waiting for a while it's finally her turn. She enters the doctors' office and sits down. The PhD asks her:

- Well, what can I do for you madam?

The patient blushes and the PhD sees that apparently she is embarrassed so he says:

- You can discuss any matter with me, everything is strictly confidential.

So the patient says:

- My husband complains that my pussy smells bad, is there a cure for this?

- Sure - the doctor says.

- It can be a fungus, or a little infection, nothing unusual, please undress and lay down, so I can examine you and prescribe a treatment.

The woman undresses, gets up the bed and with her legs spread waits until the doctor attends her. He comes in, walks towards her, starts gasping for air, covers his mouth and nose with a hand and runs out of the office. After a minute or so, he enters again, covering his mouth and nose with one hand and a 7 feet wooden stick with an iron hook on it in the other hand.

- Aaaaaaaaaaaaagh, what will you do to me? - shouts the patient.

- Nothing - says the doctor.

- I'm just going to open the roof window a little.

There were 4 monkeys in a tree.

Why did the first monkey fall out of the tree?
→ It died.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
→ It was tied on to the first monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
→ It got hit by the first two.

Why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree?
→ Peer pressure.