Comedians On Life

- I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. - Ed Bluestone

- Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron. - George Carlin

- You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. - Ellen DeGeneris

- Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. - Billiam Coronel

- I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. - Dave Edison

- Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. - Steve Bluestone

- I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner