Most viewed jokes

So there were two guys on a roof, pounding nails. One guy pounded a nail in, then picked up another. He was holding the nail upside down. He unexpectedly threw the nail away. He picked up another nail, right side up this time, and pounded this in. He eventually threw so many upside down nails away, that his friend came over. "Eh, what you doing? How come you're throwing away all those nails?" he asked. "Because they're upside down," the friend replied. The other guy looks at the friend, then, after some thought, says, "You Idiot, save them for the ceiling!"

Some cows view each day as the last roundup, others, merely as another opportunity to stampede.

Most cows view the new day as an exciting new opportunity to eat grass and point in the same direction as the other cows.

Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch.

As they read the menu, the waitress comes over and asks Clinton:

- Are you ready to order?

Clinton replies:

- Yes, I'd like a quickie!

- A quickie?!? - the waitress replies.

- Sir, given the past situation of your personal life I don't think that is a good idea. I'll come back when you are ready to order from the menu!

She walks away.

Gore leans over to Clinton and says:

- It's pronounced Quiche.

What would happen if tarantulas were as big as horses?
→ If one bit you, you could ride it to hospital!

A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot. The bartender is curious and askes him "every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."

What should you give a man who has everything?
→ Penicillin

When you go to the hospital how do you find the head nurse?
→ Look for the nurse with dirty knees and swollen lips!

George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard INever walk down the hall without a document in yourhands. People with documents in their hands look likehardworking employees heading for important meetings. Peoplewith nothing in their hands look like they're heading for thecafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look likethey're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure youcarry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generatingthe false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

Work Environment:

- (Wise manager) + (Wise employee) = PROFIT

- (Wise manager) + (Dumb employee) = PRODUCTION

- (Dumb manager) + (Wise employee) = PROMOTION

- (Dumb manager) + (Dumb employee) = OVERTIME

- Lawyer: Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence.

- Judge: And what is the nature of the new evidence?

- Lawyer: Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left.