Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit her grandmother, when suddenly The Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree.
"Ah-ha....," The Big Bad Wolf said, "Now I've got you and I'm going to eat you! EAT! EAT! EAT!..."
Little Red Riding Hood said angrily, "Damn it, doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"
The following is a "history" collected by teachers throughout theUnited States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully,and you will learn a lot.=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. Theylived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate ofthe Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, socertain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. TheEgyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.
The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the firstbook of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from anapple tree. On of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother'sson?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob,son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarchwho brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did nottake it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.
Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, whichis bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up onMount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew kingskilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a raceof people who lived in the Biblical times. Soloman, one of David'ssons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeksinvented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. Theyalso had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that themother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he becameintollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer alsowrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship thatUlysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written byHomer but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around givingpeople advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose ofwedlock. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled thebiscuits, the threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coralwreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people tookthe law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as themountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see whattheir neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, theGreeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History callspeople Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. JuliusCaesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides ofMarch murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.
Nero was a cruel tyranny who would turture his poor subjects byplaying the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames.
King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded histroops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was canonized byBernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on theirnecks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should behanged twice for the same offense. In medevil time most of the people were alliterate. Thegreatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems andversus and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of WilliamTell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on hisson's head. The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals feltthe value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to thechurch door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He dieda horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was thepainter Donatello's interes in the female nude that made him thefather of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions anddiscoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh isa historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Anotherimportant invention was the circulation of blood. Sir FrancisDrake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper. The government of England was a limited mockery. HenryVIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was asuccess. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they allshouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the SpanishArmadillo. The greatest write of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.
Shakespear never made much money and is only famous because of hisplays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies,comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamletrations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.
In another, Lady Macbeth tried to convince Macbeth to kill the Kindby attack his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroiccouplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes.
He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Miltonwrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus wasa great navigator who discovered America while cursing about theAtlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known asPilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they weregreeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoopsbefore them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Manyof the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, whichproved very fatal for them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for thesettlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain JohnSmith was responsible for all this.
What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
→ A blonde going through a flashing red light.
A guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all."
The doctor says, "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."
The man says, "You have a deal Doc."
Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.
The doctor asks, "What happened?"
The man answered, "Nobody showed up!"
The congregation was sitting and waiting for the preacher to began his sermon when two masked men burst into the church and said "Whoever is not willing to take a bullet for Jesus better leave now." More than half of the congregation jumped up and ran out the door. The two men took off their masks, sat in the front row and said, "Okay, Reverend, you can preach now. All the hyprocrites are gone."
Theres an old man laying on the beach naked and a little girl was pasing buy she stops and stairs at the man and asked mister what is that. the man says what the little girl says that between your legs the man says oh that well the thing that is standing is the bird the two things on the side are the eggs and the thing around it is the nest ok the old man asked her to leave so he can get some sun he falls asleep when he wakes up there are peramedics around him he asked what happen the peramedic said ask the little girl the old man calls her over what happen the little girl said when you went to sleep I tryed to make the bird fly I pulled and pulled but he got big and spit at me so I kicked the bird smashed the eggs and burnd the nest.
TOP 10 REASONS BASKETBALL IS BETTER THAN SEX...
Do you know the difference in sugar and Sweet-n-Low????
→ Sugar is when you kiss her on the lips!
A Lady was on a business trip. Since she was so tense from all the meetings, she decided she would go to the roof of the hotel she was staying in and sunbathe to help her relax. She went to the top of the hotel, stripped down, and layed face down on the roof. After about an hour of sunbathing, she heard someone come on the roof. It was the manager of the hotel. He said, "Excuse me, miss, but do you mind sunbathing somewhere else?" "Why?", asked the lady. "I'm on top of the hotel...nobody can see me!" "True", the man replied, "But you are lying on the sunroof above the dining room."
A guy worked in an adult book store. One afternoon his friend walked in. The guy said, "Dude, thank goodness you showed up!" "I'm starving, and I need you to watch the counter for me for a few minutes, while I run across the street to get some lunch."
The friend looked around the store, then looked back at his friend oddly. The guy said, "Dude, don't ask any questions, just sell it to em." The friend said, "Ok". So the guy left.
A customer came in, and went up to the counter. She said, "I want a vibrator. What do you have?"
The friend said, "We got red ones, white ones, black ones, big ones, little ones and medium sized ones."
The lady said, "I'll take a little red one to carry in my bag." He sold it to her.
Another woman walked in. She approached the counter and said, "I would like a vibrator, what do you have?"
The friend replied, "Red, black or white, large, medium or small."
The woman asked, "Well, what about the red, white and black checkered one up there?"
The friend said, "Well, I'll sell it to ya if you want," so she bought it.
A few minutes later the guy came back from lunch and said, "Thanks Dude, you're a life saver. So did you sell anything?"
The friend said, "Yeah, I sold a little red vibrator and a thermos."
