Most viewed jokes

10 year old Timmy comes home from daycare and tells his mom that he thinks his babysitter is gay.

- Whatever makes you think THAT?!!? - says mom.

Timmy replies:

- Because his dick tasted like shit!

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
→ One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream echo's through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. The bartender yells:

- What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!

The drunk responds:

- I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.

The bartender opens the door and looks in:

- You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.

- Tim, you be first, - she said. - What does your mother do all day?

Tim stood up and proudly said:

- She's a doctor.

- That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said:

- My father is a mailman.

- Thank you, Amie, - said the teacher. - What about your father, Billy?

Billy proudly stood up and announced:

- My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Billy's father said:

- I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?

What did the egg say to the boiling water?
→ "I just got laid and now you want me to get hard?!"

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback, and after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

- What happened? - she asks.

- I've never been with a woman - he says. But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!

Why do women have legs?
→ Have you ever seen the mess that slugs leave behind!??

What do a Blonde and KFC have in common?
→ After your done with the breast and the thigh all you have left is a greasy bucket to stick your bone into.

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.

Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom:

- Well, you really tied one on last night - she said.

- Where'd you go?

- I worked late - he said - and I stopped off for a couple of beers.

- A couple of beers? That's a laugh - she replied - You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?

- What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?

- Well - she replied - my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.

One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says:

- It's dark in here, isn't it?

- Yes it is - the man replies.

- You wanna buy a baseball? - the little boy asks.

- No thanks - the man replies.

- I think you do want to buy a baseball - the little extortionist continues.

- OK. How much? - the man replies after considering the position he was in.

- Twenty-five dollars - the little boy replies.

- TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! - the man repeats.

- That's awful expensive - but because of the position he was in, agreed to the price.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

- It's dark in here, isn't it? - the boy starts off.

- Yes it is - replies the man.

- Wanna buy a baseball glove? - the little boy asks.

- OK. How much? - the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his dis-advantage.

- Fifty dollars - the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says:

- Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch.

- I can't. I sold them - replies the little boy.

- How much did you get for them? - asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

- Seventy-five dollars - the little boy says.

- SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness - the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says:

- It's dark in here, isn't it?

- Don't you start that crap in here - the priest says.