A blonde walks into the hairdresser with headphones on. She asks the woman working there for a haircut. The blonde sits down in the chair. The woman takes the blonde's headphones off and cuts her hair. At the end, the woman asks how she likes her hair but, to her surprise the blonde is dead! The woman picks up the headphones and listens.
She hears: "Breathe in...breathe out...breathe in...breathe out."
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
- SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
- SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
- SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?
- SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
- SM: It's not working.
- SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
- SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
- SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
- SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
- SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
- SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
- SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
- SM: And?
- SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
- SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
- SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
- SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
- SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
- SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
- SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!
I'm so glad that this is my last child support payment. Month after month, year after year, those payments! So I called my baby girl, Kareesha, to come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to your mother's house and tell her that this is the last check she's ever going to get from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the expression that's on her face." So my baby girl took the check over to her. I was really anxious to hear what she had to say and what she looked like.. As my baby girl walked through the door, I said, "Now what did she have to say?" "She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy, and to watch the expression on your face."
How do you tell two KKK members apart?
→ Ask their wife. After all, she's their mother....
Why did the nurse go to art school?
→ To learn how to draw blood!
Three duffers were out golfing with the club pro one day. The first duffer teed off and hit a dribbler about 60 yards. He turned to the pro and asked, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro replied, "Loft."
The next golfer teed off and duck hooked the ball into the woods. He asked the pro the same question.
The pro again answered, "Loft."
The third teed off and sliced into a pond. He too asked the pro, "What did I do wrong?"
Again, "Loft."
As they were walking down the fairway, the first duffer finally spoke up to the pro.
"All three of us hit completely different tee shots and yet when we asked you what we did wrong, you gave the same exact answer every time. So what does Loft mean?"
The pro shook his head and said, "Lack of Friggin' Talent!"
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?"
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
"Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!" Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby - so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat himself.
"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad, it's called the twist!"
A guy finally gets a date with an easy blonde. To prepare for the date he sunbathes in the nude on his roof, falls asleep and burns his manhood. He doesn't want to cancel so he slathers it with lotion and wraps it in gauze. The blonde shows up at his house, and he treats her to a home-cooked dinner. Afterwards they go to the living room to watch a movie. His manhood starts to bother him again so he excuses himself, goes into the kitchen, pours a glass of milk and immerses himself for immediate relief. The blonde, however, wanted to know what he was doing and walks in on him with his Johnson in the milk and exclaims, "So that's how you guys load those things!"
A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a man who has a burlap sack and a little guy about a foot tall sitting on the bar playing a little piano. The guy that walked into the bar asks the man, "What's in the bag?" The man pulls out a genie lamp. The guy says, "Wow! Can I have one of your wishes?" The man says, "I don't know. Rub the lamp and see." So the guy rubs the lamp and out pops the genie. The genie says, "You may have one wish."
The guy wishes for a million bucks. The genie says, "Your wish is granted," and goes back into the genie bottle. Just then one million ducks walk into the bar. The guy says, "I didn't wish for a million ducks." The man replies, "Yeah, and I wished for a twelve inch pianist."
What does a vibrator and soybeans have in common?
→ They are both meat substitutes!!!!
