Most viewed jokes

One Sunday, the pope REALLY wanted to play golf.

But he couldn't, since it was Sunday. But he figured, well, it's ok if i just play a little bit.

So he changed clothes and went out into the green.

Up in heaven an angel saw him and reported it to Jesus. However, Jesus didn't do anything when he told him. "Aren't you going to punish him?" he asked Jesus. "Yes, just wait." he replied.

Just then the pope hit a beautiful hole in one.

- Well, that's not a punishment! - the angel said in disgust.

"Who is he going to tell?"

Easter is approaching. Father O'Maley checks estimates for the flower decoration of the altar.

The catholic florist - $ 300. Too expensive - moans the priest.

The protestant florist - $ 250, “No, it would not be right to buy at another Christian believer, especially as the price difference is rather small.” But lo! Solly Goldberg - $ 75!!!

Religion or economics? After much consideration, Solly obtains the contract.

On Easter Sunday morning, Goldberg's men deliver the flowers: wonderful roses, azaleas, camellias, tulips and carnations. O'Maley's last reservations are discarded.

When the parishioners arrive in the church, they see the magnificent flower arrangement and a ribbon with the inscription:

- Jesus has risen! But the prices of Goldberg always stay the same.

An Australian joke...

St Peter is standing at the pearly gates one day when a pair of Abo's stroll up.

- Your names aren't on today's list... let me go and ask the Boss - he says.

In God's office he tells the Big Man all about the two Abo's, and God tells Peter to go and tell them to fuck right off.

St Peter takes his leave. 5 minutes later St Peter runs back into the room and says:

- they're gone

God says:

- the Abo's? Good. - and St Peter replies...

- NO THE PEARLY GATES!!!.

One day there was an indian chief who was constipated. he sent one of his warriors to the witch doctor to get some medicine. The warrior says:

- Big Chief, no shit.

the doctor gave him 1 pill and told him that the chief should be fine tomorrow.

The warrior went back to the chief and gave him the pill. the next morning the warrior was sent back to the witch doctor and says:

- big chief, no shit.

the doctor gives him five pills and tells him to give them to the chief.

The next day the warrior appears at the witch doctor's house yet again saying:

- big chief, no shit.

the doctor gets annoyed and so gives the warrior the whole bottle of pills to give to the chief.

The next day the warrior goes back to the witch doctor (AGAIN):

- Big shit, no chief.

What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
→ A mouseketeer!

Actual dialog of a former Customer Support employee:

- Support: Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?

- Customer: Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.

- Support: What sort of trouble?

- Customer: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

- Support: Went away?

- Customer: They disappeared.

- Support: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

- Customer: Nothing.

- Support: Nothing?

- Customer: It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.

- Support: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

- Customer: How do I tell?

- Support: Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?

- Customer: What's a sea-prompt?

- Support: Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?

- Customer: There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.

- Support: Does your monitor have a power indicator?

- Customer: What's a monitor?

- Support: It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?

- Customer: I don't know.

- Support: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?

- Customer: ...... Yes, I think so.

- Support: Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

- Customer: ...... Yes, it is.

- Support: When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?

- Customer: No.

- Support: Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.

- Customer: ...... Okay, here it is.

- Support: Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.

- Customer: I can't reach.

- Support: Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?

- Customer: No.

- Support: Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?

- Customer: Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark.

- Support: Dark?

- Customer: Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

- Support: Well, turn on the office light then.

- Customer: I can't.

- Support: No? Why not?

- Customer: Because there's a power outage.

- Support: A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?

- Customer: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

- Support: Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

- Customer: Really? Is it that bad?

- Support: Yes, I'm afraid it is.

- Customer: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

- Support: Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions:

- Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?

The officer replied:

- Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there.

She thanked the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said:

- Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?

The blonde replied:

- Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!

Two old friends from the mountains ran into each other at the local bar. One said:

- Heard ya went to the big city Jeb.

His friend replied:

- Yep. Even tried me out one of those 'loose women' ya always hear about.

- You don't say - said the first man.

- Bet that was costly.

- Nope.

Jeb smirked.

- Kinfolk.

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.

- Ah..... - said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball.

- I see you are the father of two children.

- That's what you think - said the man scornfully.

- I'm the father of THREE children.

The woman grinned and said:

- That's what YOU think.

A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:

Sacred to the memory of my husband John Barnes who died January 3, 1803. His comely young widow, aged 23, has many qualifications of a good wife, and yearns to be comforted.