Most viewed jokes

A little Catholic kid was praying as hard as he could. 'God,' he prayed, 'I really want a car.' Jumping up and dashing to the window, he saw that the driveway was empty. 'God,' he prayed again, 'I really NEED a car.' Still no answer to his prayers. Suddenly the kid stood up, ran into his parents' bedroom, and grabbed the statuette of the Virgin Mary off the mantelpiece. He wrapped it up in ten layers of paper, using three rolls of tape and a spool of twine, then stuffed it inside a box at the very bottom of his closet. 'Okay, God,' he said, getting down onto his knees again, 'if you ever want to see your mother again...'

A Cowboy riding down the trail encounters an Indian laying on the trail with hard on. The Cowboy asks, "What are you doing?" Indian says, "Me tellum time." Cowboy shakes his head, rides on, encounters another exactly the same. Says, "You telling time?" "Yup." "How can you tell time like that?" Indian says, "Workum like sundial, readum shadow." Cowboy, incredulous, rides on. Encounters Indian in trail masturbating. Cowboy says, "Let me guess, you're telling time too." Indian says, "Nope. But me windum clock!"

The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

- Six please - she said.

- I could never eat twelve!

What is George W. Bush's favorite town in Texas?
→ Kilgore, TX

For me, penises are a hobby ... kinda like fishing ... The small ones you throw back, the good-sized ones you take home for dinner, and the big ones you mount.

I admitted to my friend that I hadn't had sex for a while.

My friend reassured me that I won't forget it, cuz sex is like riding a bicycle.

I know it's been a while, but I don't ever remember pedaling...

- How'd you get that black eye?

- I called some woman a two-bit whore.

- She punched you?

- Nope. She hit me with her bag of quarters.

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says:

- Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.

- Priest: Is that you, Tommy?

- Tommy: Yes father, it's me.

- Priest: Who was the woman you were with?

- Tommy: I cannot tell you, father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation.

- Priest: Was it Brenda O'Malley?

- Tommy: No, father.

- Priest: Was it Fiona MacDonald?

- Tommy: No.

- Priest: Was it Ann Brown?

- Tommy: No.

- Priest: Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?

- Tommy: No, father.

- Priest: Was it Amy Thomas?

- Tommy: No, father.

- Priest: Was it little Cathy Morgan?

- Tommy: NO father! I cannot tell you.

- Priest: Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four 'Our Fathers' and five 'Hail Mary's'. Now go back to your seat.

Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and whispers:

- What happened?!

- Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Marys, and six good leads.

The Arkansas lad was obviously deeply troubled.

- Why so glum, Chum? - asked the kindly stranger.

- If my parents get divorced...will they still be brother and sister?

An old bloke in the Northern Territory was showing some tourists how to top up a camel with water.

- That way, - he said.

- You get an extra day out of them between drinks.

As the camel bent down to drink, the bloke picked up two bricks and bashed them over the camel's balls.

The camel sucked in its breath and took on three days' extra water.

- Doesn't that hurt? - asked a tourist.

- Nah, - replied the bloke.

- Only if you get your fingers caught!