Most viewed jokes

Why does the University of Tennesse football team wear orange to all their Saturday games?
→ So that they can wear the same outfit to go hunting on Sunday, and to work on Monday.

Two blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror, and said:

- Hmmm, this person looks familiar.

- Let me look - said the other one. So she handed her the compact.

The second blonde looked in the mirror then turned to the first one.

- You dumbass -- that's ME!

A fellow is walking into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their hands and knees in one of the flower beds. He goes over and says:

- Can I help? Have you lost something?

- No - says one of the doctors.

- We're about to do a heart transplant on an accountant and we're looking for a suitable stone.

An investigation by the Dallas Morning News revealed the city's public schools employ at least 185 people who have been convicted of felonies, including two convicted murderers.

In response, the school superintendent promised that the city would begin periodic records checks.

- Backup - What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.

- Bar code - Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern.

- Bug - The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick.

- Byte - What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.

- Cache - Needed when you go to da store.

- Chip - Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name.

- Terminal - Time to call da undertaker.

- Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.

- Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.

- Diskette - A female Disco dancer.

- Hacker - Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.

- Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.

- Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.

- Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

- Mac - Big Bob's favorite fast food.

- Megahertz - How your head feels after seventeen beers.

- Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.

- Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.

- Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.

- Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.

- Rom - Where the pope lives.

- Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.

- Serial port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.

- Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.

- Scsi - What you call your week-old underwear.

A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they'll have something to spend over there."

They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.

What has four asses?
→ Eight half assed politicians.

A certain old gentleman thought his eyesight was going bad, and he was advised to go to see an eye doctor. He goes in to see the doctor, and the doctor said:

- All right, let's check you out. You sit down here on this stool. You put your right hand over your right eye and read that chart on the wall over there.

He puts his left hand over his left eye. The doctor says:

- No, no, no. Put your right hand over your right eye.

This old person puts both hands over both eyes. The doctor is now getting upset. The patient continues to screw up, and the doctor really gets mad and says:

- All right, I'll fix you! He gets a paper bag out of the closet, puts one hole in it, puts it over his head, and says:

- Now, read that chart! The guy read it perfect!

The doctor takes the bag off, and this old person starts crying like a baby. The doctor says:

- Now, what the hell is wrong with you?

- Well, when I first came in here, I had my heart set on wire frames!

A first-grade class is having a game of Name That Animal.

The teacher held up a picture of a cat.

- What animal is this? - she asked.

- A cat! - said Eddie.

- Good job! Now, what is this animal?

- A dog! - said Eddie.

- Good! Now what animal is this? - she asked, holding up a picture of a Deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said:

- It's what your mom calls your dad.

- A horny bastard - called out Eddie.

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.

- I would like to buy this TV - she told the salesman.

- Sorry we don't sell to blondes - he replied.

She hurried home, dyed her hair, came back again and told the salesman:

- I would like to buy this TV.

- Sorry we don't sell to blondes - he replied.

- Darn, he recognized me - she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time. A new haircut and new color, a new outfit, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she again approached the salesman.

- I would like to buy this TV - she told the salesman.

- Sorry we don't sell to blondes - he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed:

- How do you know I'm a blonde?

- Because that's a microwave - he replied.