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Whats a frogs favorite game?
→ It's croak-et!

Top Ten ways things would be different if Microsoft built cars:

1. A Particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that year, instead of before.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
3. Occassionally your car would just die for no reason and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this.
4. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car '95 or a car NT, but then you would have to buy more seats.
5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car. Wait a second, it's that way NOW!
6. Sun Microsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads.
7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
8. People would get excited about thew new features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years.
9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm).
10. Ford, General Motors, and Chrylser would all be complaining because Microsoft was putting radios in all its models.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)

Dear Sir,

I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or to the office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry.

A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says:

- I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye.

The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.

He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip. He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye. The bartender accepts knowing the man can't possibly have two glass eyes. The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.

One day a boy and his father were at the dining room table working on the boy's Social Studies homework, the chapter about government. The boy turns to his father and asks:

- Dad, how many people work in the U.S. government?

The father replies without hesitating:

- Oh, about ten percent.

The dentist was called away from the dinner table to take an urgent phone call. It was Mr. Tuckerman, explaining that young Junior had gotten himself into quite a fix:

- See, he was kissing his girlfriend, and when my wife and I came back from the movies we found them stuck together.

- I'll come right over, Mr. Tuckerman - said the dentist calmly - and don't worry about a thing. I have to unlock teenagers' braces all the time.

Mr. Tuckerman whispered:

- Yes, but from an IUD?

A son comes to his dad and says:

- Dad, i gotta tell you something

- Ok, Quick and clear!

- 100 bucks

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister:

- When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says:

- I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds:

- It's just 99 cents a word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says:

- I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'

The telegraph operator shakes his head:

- How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?

The brunette explains:

- My sister's blonde. She'll read it very slow.

You might be a child of the 80's if...

• you have deep, personal relationships via computer with people you've never met in real life.
• the phrase "going courting", to you, means fighting an unjust traffic ticket or playing tennis.
• you know, by heart, the words to any "Weird" Al Yankovic song.
• not that you'd do it personally, but body piercing captivates your attention.
• you remember the days when cocaine was just fine in powder form, thankyouverymuch.
• you think the "the Gay 90's" refers to this decade and sexual orientation.
• the Brady Bunch movie brought back cool memories.
• you remember the first time "Space: Above and Beyond" aired - it was called "Battlestar Galactica".
• songs by Debbie Gibson still haunt you to this day.
• three words: "Atari" "IntelliVision" and "Coleco". Sound familiar?
• you remember the days that hooking your computer into your television wasn't an expensive option that required gadgets - it was the ONLY WAY to use your computer!
• you remember the days when "safe sex" meant "my parents are gone for the weekend".
• you remember "Friday Night Videos" before the days of MTV.
• you ever owned a pair of "Pop-Wheels" - that handy little combination of shoe and roller skate that lasted about a year on the open market.
• a predominant color in your childhood photos is "plaid".
• you're pissed that you couldn't really participate in the 60's, pissed that you were a part of the 70's, think you wasted too much time doing stupid, meaningless things in the 80's, and still have no clue what the 90's are all about.
• you see teenagers today wearing clothes that show up in those childhood photos, and they still look bad.
• while in high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again.
• you remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was.
• one of the top five questions you've always wanted answered was to Robert Smith of the Cure - "What WAS that head on the door thing, anyway?"
• you were shocked and horrified at the Challenger explosion (which you were probably watching in school at the time), and yet, when someone mentions the name "JFK", the first thing you think of is "Oliver Stone".
• you, yes you, sat down and memorized the entire lyric sheet to "It's the end of the world as we know it".
• you can't remember when the word "networking" didn't have a computer connotation to it as well.
• you took family trips BEFORE the invention of the mini-van. You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.
• you knew all the words to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire", but it really didn't hold any meaning for you until about the third verse.
• you've ever conversationally used the phrase "Jane, you ignorant slut".
• you watched HR Puffenstuff as a child, but now that you're older, you really understand that it would have been much better had you known about drugs at the time.
• you've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases: -- "When I was younger . . ." -- "When I was your age . . ." -- "You know, back when . . ." -- "Because I SAID so, that's why." -- "What the HELL is this noise on the radio?" -- "Just can't (fill in the blank) like I used to."
• you can't remember a time when "going out for coffee" DIDN'T involve 49,000 selections to choose from.
• Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language.
• kids who work in restaurants and supermarkets are starting to piss you off by calling you "sir" or "ma'am".
• you're starting to view getting carded to buy alcohol as a GOOD thing, and you're ready to marry the next person who cards you when you want to buy cigarettes.
• flashback: it was your first chance to vote in a presidential election, and you were SO disappointed because, just for laughs, you really wanted to vote for Gary Hart.
• the first time you heard the candidates' names, you were pumped because you thought MICHAEL Jackson was running for President, not this Jesse character.
• you ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, or Cyndi Lauper video.
• at one point during your teenage years, you walked with a noticeable tilt to one side due to the number of plastic rings on that arm.
• "Celebration" by Kool & the Gang was one of the hot new songs when you first heard it at a school dance.
• the first time you ever kissed someone at a dance fell during "Crazy for You" by Madonna.
• there were at least three people in your school that voluntarily went by the names of "Skip" "Buffy" "Muffy" or "Dexter".
• you ever owned one of those embarrassing crimping irons.
• you used to hold in your head the thought that all those gold chains on Mr. T actually looked kinda cool and the thought that Mr. T made millions seemed rational to you at the time.
• you remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made your old big wheel quite obsolete.
• the phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.
• you read the "Hot Video Games Player's Secrets" guide for Mortal Kombat just so you could find the hidden screen, and play Pong again for old time's sake.
• honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.
• you ever had nightmares about the giant red evil robot Maximillian from the Disney movie "The Black Hole" and those blender attachments he had for hands.
• you were convinced for years that Batman was a mildly overweight man with a moderate beer belly who wore his underwear outside of his clothes and talked strangely.
• (guys) your first wet dream occurred to thoughts of Jeannie, Marsha Brady, Samantha from Bewitched or, for those hardcore comic fans out there, Daphne from Scooby Doo, Josie or any one of her Pussycats.
• (girls) you thought Sean Cassidy was "dreamy", lusted after "Ted, your ship's photographer" on the Love Boat and Chachi, or, to keep it fair to the comically interested, thought Fred was just a hunk on Scooby Doo.
• you're still occasionally suffering flashbacks from your 21st birthday party.
• you're starting to dread you're 30th birthday, and have even begun going into denial about its possibility.
• you've ever said "I'm a vegetarian" and immediately had someone call you a hypocrite by saying "Nice leather jacket you have there... and gee, is that a suede bag... those shoes leather, too?"
• you're starting to believe that maybe 30 isn't so old after all, and it's those people over 40 you have to look out for.
• you freaked out when you found that you now fall into the "26 - 50" age category on most questionnaires.
• you have begun to lust after women (or men) that it would be socially inappropriate for you to date due to their age.
• your hair, at some point in time in the 80's, became something which can only be described by the phrase "I was experimenting".
• this timeline appropriately describes actual events in your life:

Star Wars opens, you are still in single digit ages, and you think the creatures are WAY cool.

Empire Strikes Back opens, you are now in early double digit ages, and you are convinced that the special effects are much better, the characters are cooler, and you want one of every collectible out there.

Return of the Jedi hits the theaters, you are now a teenager, and you cannot get your eyes off Princess Leia's breasts or Han Solo's butt. You fantasize forever and ever about it, and send off to join every fan club for them on the planet, hanging posters, photos, an "teen"-type magazine spreads all over your walls and lockers at school.

• you remember when the phrase "candy is dandy, but sex won't rot your teeth" started getting followed by "yeah, but M&M's won't give you AIDS..."
• you've ever shopped at a Banana Republic or Benetton, but not in the last five years, okay?
• you can't remember a time when "hitting the outlet stores" didn't mean going to an electrical warehouse.
• you're starting to believe (now that it wouldn't affect YOU) that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.
• you're doing absolutely nothing with anything pertaining to your major degree.
• you won't walk into the place where you once knew every bartender on a first name basis because "there's too many kids there".
• going to keg parties no longer involves hiding out in the woods when the cops show up.
• you want to go out dancing, you really, REALLY do, but your back hurts, sorry.
• you're starting to think that Corvettes really look good, and aren't REALLY for guys going through a mid-life crisis and worried about their penises. That's not YOU.
• you're starting to get that "Why aren't you married yet?" schpiel, not just from parents, but now from friends who are married.
• you've recently horrified yourself by groaning as you get out of bed, not because of a hangover, but because it genuinely just hurt to do so.
• you're finding that you just don't understand more than half the lingo used on MTV any more.
• (mostly guys on this one) sex is still as much fun as it used to be, and you're still really interested in it, but you just want to make sure there's nothing really good on cable that you'd be missing first.
• you ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon.
• U2 is too "popular" and "mainstream" for you now.
• you ever used the phrase "kiss mah grits" in conversation.
• when somone mentions two consecutive days of the week, the Happy Days theme is stuck in your head for hours on end.
• you remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch from the first scene.
• you ever used the phrase "don't make me angry... you wouldn't LIKE me when I'm angry" when trying to frighten someone off.
• you spent endless nights dreaming about being the Bionic Woman or Wonder Woman or the Six Million Dollar Man.
• you had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding (on General Hospital).
• you remember "Hey, let's be careful out there."
• your parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes, anyway.
• you know who shot J.R.
• this rings a bell: "and my name, is Charlie. They work for me."

What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?
→ Firetruck