There were two cats that enjoyed running together. The first cat was english, called One-two-three.
The other was french and called Un-deux-trois. One day when they were running they came to a huge river. The cats took a large run up and leapt as far as they could.
Which cat drowned?
→ Un-deux-trois cat sank
(un deux trois quatre cinq)
The modest young lass had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence, "If you can read this you're too damn close" embroidered on her panties and bra. "Yes Madame," said the clerk. "I'm quite certain that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters?" "Braille," she replied.
Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a headcovering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says:
- Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse.
- But Father, I have a divine right - she informs.
- Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church! - he insists.
A man of Polish ancestry walked up to the counter and asked for a Polish Meatball Sandwich. The man at the counter said:
- What a Pollack.
The Polish man said:
- I resent that. If a Jew came to your counter and asked for a kosher salami on rye, would you call him a stupid Jew.
- Probably, - replied the clerk.
- And if an Italian came in here and asked for spaghetti and meatballs, would you also insult him?
- Probably, - the clerk again replied.
- Why you're nothing but a bigot. Why do you have to insult everybody not like you?
At this, the clerk replied:
- Because this is a HARDWARE store, moron.
A boy and girl octopus out on a date walked down the street arm in arm in arm in arm...
- I think Rover is getting a bit old, he seems to be going deaf.
- Bullshit, watch this... Rover sit! Oh dear, you're right, I'll get the shovel and clean it up!
How do frogs die?
→ They kermit suidide!
Bellevue, WA
On Saturday, police broke up a disturbance between a couple arguing over which one was drunker. Both were arrested and taken to Overlake Hospital for treatment of injuries to their heads.
The police are charging them with disorderly conduct and disturbing the peace, but not assault.
They each injured themselves and not the other.
It seems, according to police and witnesses, that the couple were taking turns bashing their heads into the drywall walls and the wooden door of their apartment in order to prove they were so drunk that they couldn't feel the pain.
When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?'"
One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married.
He was a man of the world and she was an innocent bride with no experience.
On the first night of their honeymoon the couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they get into bed, they start exploring each other's bodies.
Things are going fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis. "Oh my", she says, "What is that?"
"Well, darlin", the cowboy says, "That's ma rope".
She slides her hands further down and gasps.
"Oh my goodness. What's them?" she asks.
"Honey, them's my knots", he answers.
Finally, the couple begin to make love. After several minutes, the bride says, "Stop honey. Wait a minute".
Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey? Am I hurting you?"
"No", the bride replies. "Just undo them damn knots. I need more rope!"
