Most viewed jokes

Three Chinese Daughters

A Chinese man had three daughters; he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.

- I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest - said the eldest daughter. He then asked his second daughter whom she would like to marry.

- I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest - said the second daughter. He finally asked his youngest daughter whom she would like to marry.

- I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground - said the youngest daughter.

Thanking Clarence Darrow

"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.

"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."

Listening To The Wall

There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.

So he turned to the mental patient and said:

- I don't hear anything.

The mental patient said:

- Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!

Doing The Dishes

A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer.

After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust.

He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.

A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family.

And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table.

They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!!

By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline. And the father says:

- Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes.

Hair On My Chest

A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th anniversary. - HA! - he snorted:

- The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can grow hair on your chest! On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrust her pubic area forward:

- There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me the damn coat!

- That's not your chest! - he roars back.

- Damn right it's my chest! - she argued.

- Before we got married, this was your hope chest. On our honeymoon it was your treasure chest. Afterwards it became our family chest....

AND IF YOU DON'T BUY ME A FUR COAT...

IT WILL SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!

Cold Hands

A man had a flat tire on a very cold winter day. He told his girlfriend he'd have it fixed in no time. However as it was very cold his hands kept getting cold. He asked his girl if he could put his hands between her knees to warm them. She said that would be allright. After getting his hands warm he went back to fixing the tire but it was so cold he could not continue so he again asked his girl if he could warm his hands.

She again said it would be allright. When his hands were warm he went back to fixing the tire once more. But before he been out there five minutes or so he again asked her if he could warm his hands.

His girl asked:

- Honey don't your ears ever get cold?

Scotsman At The Zoo

A Scotsman paying his first visit to a zoo stopped by one of the cages

- An' whut animal would that be ? - he asked the keeper.

- Thats a moose from Canada - came the reply.

- A moose!! - exclaimed the Scotsman.

- Hoots, mon, if that's a moose then they must ha' rats the size of elephants over there !