Most viewed jokes

How do you know if your secretary's having a bad day?
→ Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil

What insect lives on nothing?
→ A moth, because it eats holes

How do stones stop moths eating your clothes?
→ Because rolling stones gather no moths!

A long time resident of San Francisco is packing allhis stuff into boxes. His roommate comes in & askswhat he's doing.

- I'm leaving ! - he replies. They justmade homosexuality legal.

- So why leave now ? - queries his roomie. Gays havebeen part of the scene here for years and years.

- Yeah, I know. - he replied. I'm getting the hell outof here before the damn fools make it compulsory.

If men had PMS, what would happen?
a) The federal government would allocate funds to study it.
b) Cramps would become an acceptable reason to apply for permanent disability.
c) There would be a federal holiday every 28 days.
d) All of the above.

What do Viagra And Disney Land have in common?
→ They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!

The Pope was working on a crossword puzzle. He thought and thought about one clue, finally gave up and asked the Cardinal next to him:

- What's a four letter word, ending in U - N - T that means 'woman'?

The Cardinal was working on his own puzzle and didn't even bother to look up.

- *A*unt, your Holiness.

The Pope didn't speak for a second.

- Oh.

He paused.

- Do you have an eraser?

Ted and John are setting in the bar and John asked Ted if he bought the train tickets to go see the Steelers game this weekend. Ted says yea and kinda looked a little funny. John said is there anything wrong? Ted said naw, everythings OK. They take a few more sips of beer and Ted ask John if he had ever embarrassed himself by saying something he didn't mean to say. John said sure, it happens to everyone. Ted said there's a name for that isn't there...you know, where you accidently use the wrong words when you are trying to say something. Yea, says John, it's called a Freudian slip. Yea, thats it said Ted, I couldn't think of the word. Why are you asking said John?

"Well, yesterday I went to the train station to get the train tickets for Pittsburg, and the girl selling tickets has this incredible set of jugs. I pulled out the money and laid it on the counter and asked her to give me two pickets to Titsburg and then had to embarrassingly say I mean two tickets to Pittsburg. God, it just embarressed the shit out of me. You ever done anything that stupid?"

- Funny you would ask - said John.

- Just this morning my wife and I...gosh, I guess we've been married going on 23 years now..., were having breakfast. I was reading the paper and drinking my coffie. I meant to say, 'dear, would you please pass me the sugar?', but instead I said, 'You fucking bitch, you've ruined my life.'

A farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over.

The cop asked the farmer:

- Didn't you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?

The farmer replied:

- No, I didn't knowed that.

The cop ask the farmer where he was going and he said:

- To Memphis.

The cop said:

- I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis.

So the farmer promised he would.

Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again.

The cop said:

- I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis

and to this the farmer replied:

- I did and we had so much fun, I'm taking him to the circus.

Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.

- It's terrible - she said - I haven't moved my bowels in a week.

- I see. Have you done anything about it? - asked the doctor.

- Naturally - she replied - I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at night.

- No - the doctor said - I mean do you take anything?

- Naturally - she answered - I take a book.

A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger walked up to him and asked:

- If you woke up in the woods and scratched your butt and felt Vaseline, would you tell anyone?

- Hell no! - the guy said.

The stranger then asked:

- If you felt further into your crack and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone?

The man said:

- Of course not.

- Wanna go camping?