Most viewed jokes

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

- Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop? - Arnold asked.

- Not very likely - his wife said.

- It's worth a try - Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said:

- Just a minute. I'll have to look for these.

He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out:

- Here they are!

- No kidding? - Arnold called back.

- That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time.

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.

- They'll be ready Thursday - he said calmly.

Lady Diana and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in.

St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says:

- Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity.

St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Diana the same question. Diana drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.

St. Peter says:

- OK, Diana, you may go in

Dolly is outraged. She screams:

- What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, and she gets in and I don't?!!!

- Sorry Dolly - says St. Peter, but a royal flush beats a pair any day.

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.

After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.

Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.

He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.

After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.

Holding his neck with one hand, he said:

- Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!

- Hell, that's nothing - she answered, ripping open her blouse.

- Look what he did to my tits!

What do you call a grasshopper with no legs?
→ A grasshover!

The Doctor tells his patient that he has H-E-G-S

- What's that?, the patient asks.

- It's a combination of Herpes, Encephalitis, Gonorrhea and Syphyllis.

The patient wants to know if there's a cure, to which the Doctor responds:

- We have to keep you in a hospital room and feed you nothing but pancackes.

- Why only pancackes?, asks the patient.

- They're the only thing that will fit under the door, the Doctor answers.

Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking with his wife was becoming routine and boring.

- Get creative buddy. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?

- Sounds great, but how do you make it last for an hour?

- Hell, just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!

Consider the following: Female guitar player shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall: "Don't forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string!"

A little boy is standing at the side of a river, weeping.

His tears are streaming down his cheeks.

An elderly lady passes by and feels pity for him.

- What is the matter, young boy? Why are you crying?

- It's mean! - the boy sniffed

- My daddy drowned all four little kittens we had yesterday!

- That's awful indeed! - the lady replied angrily

- Your father is a real bastard!

- Yes - said the little boy

- He had promised to me that I could do it.

A first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as they experimented with their desk computers. One boy sat staring at the screen, unsure how to get the computer going. The teacher walked over and read what was on his screen.

In her most reassuring voice, she said:

- The computer wants to know what your name is - then she walked over to the next child.

The boy leaned toward the screen and whispered:

- My name is David.

Appear to Work Late. Always leave the office late,especially when the boss is still around. You could readmagazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read buthave no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walkpast the boss' room on your way out. Send important emailsat unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc...) and duringpublic holidays.