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The Blind Pirate
How can you identify an blind pirate?
→ He's the one with patches over both eyes.
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Guest
Senior Manager Elephant Hunt
How to Hunt Elephants -- Senior Manager Style
Senior managers set broad elephant hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
The Captain And The Camel
A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour:
- What's the camel for?
The Sergeant replied:
- Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel.
The captain said:
- Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me.
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant:
- BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!
The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant:
- Is that how the enlisted men do it?
The Sergeant replied:
- Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town.
Guest
Worm Versus Apple
What's the difference between a worm and an apple?
→ Have you ever tried worm pie?
Guest
Football Riddles 4
What did the footballer say when he accidentally burped during a game?
→ Sorry, it was a freak hic!
Why are football grounds odd?
→ Because you can sit in the stands but can't stand in the sits!
What do you get if you drop a piano on a team's defence?
→ A flat back four!
Why did the goal post get angry?
→ Because the bar was rattled!
What is the bank manager's favourite type of football?
→ Fiver side!
What part of a football ground is never the same?
→ The changing rooms!
What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?
→ Bring on their subs!
100 Buckets Of Bits
100 Buckets of Bits
100 buckets of bits on the bus
100 buckets of bits
Take one down, short it to ground
FF buckets of bits on the bus
FF buckets of bits on the bus
FF buckets of bits
Take one down, short it to ground
FE buckets of bits on the bus
....
A Dancing Duck
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for $10000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
Carrie Likes To Screw
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.
He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.
- Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat? - he says.
- That's cool - says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds:
- why don't you two go out and screw?
I hear all the kids are doing it. Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby - so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.
- Yeah - says Carries father:
- Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:
- Dammit Daddy! It's called the twist!
Denounce The Devil
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.
Whispering firmly, the priest said:
- Denounce the Devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked:
- Why do you refuse to denounce the Devil and his evil?
The dying man said:
- Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody!
Guest
Living To A Hundred
A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.
The doctor asked the man:
- Do you smoke or drink?
- No - he replied.
- I've never done either.
- Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women? - inquired the doctor.
- No, I've never done any of those things either.
- Well then - said the doctor.
- what do you want to live to be a hundred for?