Most viewed jokes

- I was in the zoo last week.

- Really? Which cage were you in?

Yo mama so short she poses for trophies!
Yo mama so short you can see her feet on her drivers lisence!
Yo mama so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
Yo mama so short she can play handball on the curb.
Yo mama so short she does backflips under the bed.
Yo mama so short she models for trophys.

One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the watercooler at the office.

- Veronica, I just don't know what to do, - Gloria said to her friend at work.

- That good-looking Alex in accounting asked me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?

- Oh, my God! - her friend exclaimed.

- He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic s*x!

- What should I do? - asked Gloria.

Her friend quickly replied:

- Wear an old dress.

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely:

- I demand proper manners in bed - she declared - just as I do at the dinner table.

Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets.

- Is that better? - he asked, with a hint of a smile.

- Yes - replied the girl - much better.

- Very good, darling - the husband whispered.

- Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy.

- Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with I.

- Little Johnny: I is...

- Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say I am.

- Little Johnny: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole?
→ A 40ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

There was this Asian lady married to an American gentleman and they lived in Honolulu. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store... What were you thinking? Helloooooooooo, her husband speaks English!!

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep.

After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.

The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.

As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck.

- So - the wife says, what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?

- Well - says the man, rubbing his nose, by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law.

One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied:

- I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did.

They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.

Jon replied:

- I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to herself:

- Damn income taxes!

What should you say if he asks you:

- Am I your first?

→ You might be - you look familiar