Most viewed jokes

What should you say if he asks you:

- Am I your first?

→ You might be - you look familiar

Little Johnny tried out for the school play. The teacher gave him these lines to practice:

- Hark! A pistol shot! There lies a lady with hope in her soul. I think I'll snatch a kiss and run into the forest. By William Shakespeare.

Little Johnny practiced and practiced and did the lines perfectly every time. The night of the play it was his turn to speak. This is what he said:

- Hark! A pigeon shit! There lies a lady with soap in her hole. I think I'll kiss her snatch and run into the forest. By William Snakeshit... Horseshit... Oh, shit! I didn't want to be in this damn play anyway!

The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME.

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

- Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

- Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

- Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

- Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

- Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

- Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

- Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

- Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

- Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

- Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

- Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

- Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

- Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

- Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

- Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

- Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

- Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

- Pizza Man: I don't think so.

click

Three college roommates -- two females and a male -- began to argue after dinner about whose turn it was to do the dishes.

- All right - one of the girls said - the first one to speak has to do them.

The trio retired to the living room to watch TV. When their neighbor, a school football star, came by, the three remained silent. The visitor shrugged and led one of the girls into her bedroom.

Forty-five minutes later, the young man emerged and approached the second girl. Through sign language, they agreed to adjourn to her bedroom.

When he came out, he began to fix himself a cup of tea but burned his fingers on the stove.

- Hey, where's some petroleum jelly? - he hollered from the kitchen.

- Oh, hell! - the male roommate said, jumping up - I'll do the dishes.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that WonTon spelled backwards is Not Now.

Looking Impatient and Annoyed. According to GeorgeCostanza, one should also always try to look impatientand annoyed to give your bosses the impression thatyou are always busy.

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla.

So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500. He responded that he was interested but would have to think the matter over.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions: "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third?

- Well - said Mike - You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks.

What do you get if you cross a cow with a camel?
→ Lumpy milkshakes!

What is the definition of a goose?
→ An animal that grows down as it grows up!

Why did Bo Peep lose her sheep?
→ She had a crook with her!

What do you give a pony with a cold?
→ Cough Stirrup!

What animal always goes to bed with its shoes on?
→ A horse!

What happens when geese land in a volcano?
→ They cook their own gooses!

What do you call a pig with no clothes on?
→ Streaky bacon!

What is a horse's favorite sport?
→ Stable tennis!

What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?
→ An udder failure!

What do you give a sick pig?
→ Oinkment!

11th-hour tweaks for Windows '98 by Microsoft

10. Included subliminal "Impeach Janet Reno" messages in start-up screen.
11. New Internet Explorer feature: whenever you visit a Web site ending in ".gov," a message first appears reminding you that Microsoft is not a monopoly.
12. Source code no longer ones and zeros--try 666s and zeros. Windows start-up theme, played backward, says, "Here's to my sweet Satan."
13. Comes with check for $50 that, if cashed, puts your name on an Internet petition telling the DOJ to buzz off and changes your long distance carrier to AT&T.
14. New desktop icon--click once, and $1 will go directly from your checking account into the Microsoft Legal Defense Fund.
15. Added new template to preinstalled version of Word: "Letter to the editor expressing delight with Microsoft products."
16. Freebie computer-controlled Barney doll has been reprogrammed to say, "Big government is sca-a-ary. Janet tried to hurt me."
17. TV function scrambles C-Span during antitrust hearings.
18. Desktop display with countdown tracking number of copies of Windows 98 that must yet be bought to prevent worldwide economic collapse!
19. Last-minute name change: was "Windows 98," now "Windows: Assimilate."

A Japanese rancher told reporters in Tokyo in July that he herds cattle by outfitting them with pocket pagers (beepers), which he calls from his portable phone.

After a week of training, the cows associate the beeping with eating and hustle up for grub.