Most viewed jokes

What's the difference between men and women?
→ Women must play hard to get; men must get hard to play!

How do dentists become brain surgeons?
→ When their drills slip.

A neighbor of mine, Myron, in his mid-50's, had a relatively minor heart attack, and while he was in the hospital, he complained to his cardiologist that he thought that his sex life was over. The cardiologist said:

- Not true, Myron. Sex is wonderful exercise for your heart. After you get home, you should have sex 3 or 4 times a week. It'll be the best thing you can do for your recovery.

So after his discharge (from the hospital), Myron tells his wife what the doctor had said. His wife looked at him and told him:

- That's wonderful, Myron! Sign me up for twice.

How can you tell if someone is half Catholic and half Jewish?
→ When he goes to confession, he takes a lawyer with him.

What's the difference between acne and a priest?
→ Acne usually comes on a boy's face AFTER he turns 13.

A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo.

They are standing in front of the big silverback gorillas cage, when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her yanks her over the fence and takes her to his nest in the pen.

There he ravishhes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital. Her friend visits her the next day and asks:

- Are you hurt?

- Of course I'm hurt, he hasn't called! He hasn't written! - she replies.

A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there for a week or two.

One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend, happy to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors.

One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge bears--a male and a female.

The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his high-powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer. All the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuit from his friend's family. He just had to save his friend.

Luckily, the bears were still there.

- He's in THAT one! - cried the lawyer, pointing to the male.

The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.

- What did you do that for?! - exclaimed the lawyer - I said he was in the other bear!

- Exactly - replied the sheriff. - Would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?

How did the Burger King get the Dairy Queen pregnant?
→ He forgot to wrap his whopper.

Did you hear about the Irishman who went duck hunting?
→ He didn't get any because he couldn't throw the dog high enough.

- Boy: Will you punish me for something I didn't do?

- Teacher: Of course not!

- Boy: Good, cause I didn't do my homework!