Most viewed jokes

A little boy was excited about his first day at school.

So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So he raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked him to be quick.

Five minutes later he returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. - I can't find it - he admitted.

The teacher sat him down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. The boy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way. Five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher:

- I can't find it.

Frustrated, the teacher asked Jon, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.

So two fellas go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Jon, "Well, did you find it?"

Jon is quick with his reply:

- Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards

How to Hunt Elephants -- Sales Style
Salespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens. Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint them gray and sell them as "desktop elephants."

What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
→ Erotic is using a feather... kinky is using the whole chicken.

What sits at the bottom of the bed and constantly takes the piss???
→ A kidney dialysis machine!

A soprano died and went to Heaven. St. Peter stopped her at the gate asking:

- Well, how many false notes did you sing in your life?

The soprano answers:

- Three.

- Three times, fellows! - says Pete, and along comes an angel and sticks the soprano three times with a needle.

- Ow! What was that for? - asks the soprano.

Pete explains:

- Here in heaven, we stick you once for each false note you've sung down on Earth.

- Oh - says the soprano, and is just about to step through the gates when she suddenly hears a horrible screaming from behind a door.

- Oh my goodness, what is that? - asks the soprano, horrified.

- Oh - says Pete.

- that's a tenor we got some time back. He's just about to start his third week in the sewing machine.

There was this statistics student who, when driving his car, would always accelerate hard before coming to any junction, whizz straight over it, then slow down again once he'd got over it. One day, he took a passenger, who was understandably unnerved by his driving style, and asked him why he went so fast over junctions. The statistics student replied, "Well, statistically speaking, you are far more likely to have an accident at a junction, so I just make sure that I spend less time there."

How do you spot a modern spider?
→ He doesn't have a web he had a website!

What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
→ Sir!

What can an elephant with a machine gun call you?
→ Anything he likes!

What do you call an elephant that's small and pink?
→ A failure!

What is stronger an elephant or a snail?
→ A snail, because it carries it's house, an elephant just carries its trunk!

What do you give an elephant with big feet?
→ Plenty of room!

Tarzan was tired when he came home.

- What have you been doing - asked Jane.

- Chasing a herd of elephants on vines

- Really? - said Jane - I thought elephants stayed on the ground!

What would happen if an elephant sat in front of you at the movies?
→ You would miss most of the film!

What steps would you take if you were being chased by an elephant?
→ Big ones!

What do you find in an elephants graveyard?
→ Elephantoms!

Why do elephants have wrinkly ankes?
→ Because their shoes are too tight!

St. Paul, Minnesota:
For people with lots on their agenda, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing Company creates 25-inch-by-30-inch Post-It Easel Pads.

What does a graduate student with a science degree ask?

- Why does it work?

What does a graduate student with an engineering degree ask?

- How does it work?

What does a graduate student with an accounting degree ask?

- How much will it cost?

What does a graduate student with a liberal arts degree ask?

- Do you want fries with that?