Most viewed jokes

A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in oral sex.

- Back ladies, back! - cried the leader.

- There's a very dangerous beast out there!

But it was too late, as several of her girls had more-or-less seen the deed happening. They asked their leader what it was the couple was doing.

- Well, err.... if you must know, uh, they were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration... yeah, that's it, it's artificial respiration!

- WOW! - exclaimed the oldest of the group.

- I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next!

A man calls his mother in Florida.

- Mom, how are you?

- Not too good - says the mother. I've been very weak.

The son says:

- Why are you so weak?

She says:

- Because I haven't eaten in 38 days.

The man says:

- That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?

The mother answers:

- Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.

What did one of the blonde's legs say to the other one?
→ Between you and me we could make a lot of money!

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

A musician calls the orchestra office, asks for the conductor, and is told that he is dead.

The musician calls back 25 times more and gets the same message from receptionist.

She asks why he keeps calling. He replies:

- I just like to hear you say it.

In July, a Jackson Center, Pa., woman reported that someone used a ladder to climb into the second story of her home and that all that was missing was $10 worth of diapers, despite the presence of jewelry and antiques in the same room.

Robert A. Chase, 45, was charged with threatening an 11-year-old boy with a knife in Madison, Wis. The boy was watching Chase play basketball with another adult when the opponent accused Chase of "traveling" (taking steps without dribbling the ball).

To seek an impartial opinion, Chase asked the boy, but the boy agreed that Chase had traveled. Chase then allegedly grabbed the boy, held a knife to his throat, and asked:

- Now. Did I travel?

SYSTEM CRASH
(to the tune of "The Monster Mash")

I was working in the lab, late one night
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight,
Some smoke from our VAX began to rise
And suddenly, to my surprise...

[chorus]
(There was a crash) There was a system crash
(A mighty crash) I heard the disk heads smash
(A system crash) It came down in a flash
(There was a crash) A fatal system crash

The lab manager then appeared from his room,
Said: "I don't want to be a prophet of doom,
But we had one like this just the other day
Which blew up 4 megs and the SBA"

[chorus]

The system had just been booted, diagnostics had all run through,
When a power fluck made it all run amuck, then SCOTTY and IRVING blew too
So we'd lost all our VAXes in less than one night
When a VP came in and said: "hey, that's all right,
I'll loan you a Venus - here's what to do
When you call up Support, tell them Gordon sent you...

[chorus]

Monica Lewinsky's tell-all book about her affair with the U.S. President has, for one Winnipeg Chapters outlet, not sold all that well after its first day on the shelves, as reported by CBC Radio News.

To draw attention to the book, or to perhaps add some perspective, the Lewinksy book had three other titles surrounding it on its display:

- "Divorce for Dummies"

- "100 Ways to Leave Your Lover"

- "How to Remove Stains"

A priest was vested in his surplus and cassock ready to process at the beginning of the service. His surplus was very ornate and he was swinging the incense pot which had smoke coming from it. A lady touched him on the shoulder and said, "Darling, I love your dress; but your purse is on fire!"