Most viewed jokes

If fathers have Father's Day, and mothers have Mother's Day, what do single guys have?
→ Palm Sunday.

If you act immature enough and hang around long enough, an older woman will just mistake you for another one of her children and let you live at her house rent-free. Older women can afford to support you.

What is the meaning of life?
→ All evidence to date suggests it's chocolate.

A pastor in Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting.

Along the trail he turned a corner and collided with a bear. The pastor stumbled, backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain, the bear in hot pursuit. Finally the pastor crashed into a bolder, breaking both his legs and sending his rifle flying through the air, just out of his reach.

As the bear closed in, the pastor cried out:

- Lord, I'm sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me! - Lord please make this bear a Christian

Suddenly the bear skipped to a halt at the pastor's feet, fell to it's knees, clasped it's paws together, began to weep and said:

- God bless this food which I am about to receive!

What would you call an Amish guy with his arm up a horse's ass?
→ A Mechanic.

The Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year they predicted the general luck and overall mood of the year by watching the the gnu. If the gnu's ears were forward, that meant a successful, joyous year was almost certain to happen. But if his ears were laid back flat against his head, it meant that an unlucky or very unhappy year was sure to come. One year it was young Mary's turn to "survey" the animal and come up with the prediction. It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to take the key to the cage. She was late in coming to check on the gnu.
Well, she saw the wrong ear position and predicted a bad year, when in fact it was quite good. To explain the error, the local newspaper ran the following headline a year later: MARY CRIST MISSES AN HAPPY GNU'S EAR!

Some vampires went to see Dracula. They said:

- Drac, we want to open a zoo. Have you got any advice?

- Yes - replied Dracula - have lots of giraffes.

Two biologists are in the field following the tracks of a radio-collared grizzly bear. All of a sudden, the bear crashes out of the brush and heads right for them. They scramble up the nearest tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first biologist starts taking off his heavy leather hiking boots and pulls a pair of sleek running shoes from his back-pack.

The second biologist gives him a puzzled look and says:

- What in the world are you doing?

He replies:

- I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it.

The second guy says:

- Are you crazy? We both know you can't outrun a full-grown grizzly bear.

The first guy says:

- I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

- The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.

He continued:

- Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

- How much for a season pass?

A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in oral sex.

- Back ladies, back! - cried the leader.

- There's a very dangerous beast out there!

But it was too late, as several of her girls had more-or-less seen the deed happening. They asked their leader what it was the couple was doing.

- Well, err.... if you must know, uh, they were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration... yeah, that's it, it's artificial respiration!

- WOW! - exclaimed the oldest of the group.

- I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next!