Most viewed jokes

Where does a woodsman keep his pigs?
→ In a hog cabin!

What is the slowest racehorse in the world?
→ A clotheshorse!

Why do pigs never recover from illness?
→ Because you have to kill them before you cure them!

What do you call a pig who's been arrested for dangerous driving?
→ A road hog!

What do you call sheep that live together?
→ Pen friends!

What do you call a chicken in a shellsuit?
→ An egg!

What kind of things does a farmer talk about when he is milking cows?
→ Udder nonsense!

What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?
→ Use a cowculator!

What did the baby chick say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange?
→ 'Dad, dad, look what marma-laid'!

What's a cows favorite vegetable?
→ A cowat!

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked:

- Give it to me straight. How long have I got?

The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.

The man then said:

- Call for my lawyer.

When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind.

The man replied:

- Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I'd check out the same way.

Two homosexuals were talking when one of them happened to mention that he had gotten circumcised last week.

- Can I see it? - asked the second gay homosexual, so he promptly dropped his pants to show off his cock.

- Oooh - squealed his friend:

- You look ten years younger!

A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded:

- What took you so long?

and he replied:

- Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.

What's the difference between mono and herpes?
→ You get mono from from snatching a kiss....

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school child.

- I guess you must be in the fifth - she said.

"No ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."

This lady who was living in New York City had to get back to her old country but she was broke.

One day she wandered down to the docks and spotted a worker getting ready to load supplies onto a boat.

- Please I need to get back to England - she pleaded.

- If you sneak me onboard tonight I'll give you favors all the way across the ocean.

Well needless to say later that night he put her in a duffel bag and carried her onboard. Down in the hold where she was hidden he said:

- When I bring you some food, twice a day, I'll collect.

And being true to her word she agreed.

This went on for about a week when by accident the captain found her.

- Please don't get angry - she started to say and explained the story to the captain who busted up laughing.

- Why are you laughing? - she demanded.

He said:

- Because you're on the Statten Island Ferry.

Mongo's old lady decided she wanted to do something special to please him on his birthday, so she bought a pair of crotchless panties. That night, as he came into the house, she lay sprawled on the couch spread-eagle.

- Hi hon - she purred sexily.

- Y'all want some of this?

- Hell, no! - he hollered.

- Look at what it's done to your undies!

Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction. "Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?" "Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."

At the first session of a conversion class the minister conducting the class asked, "What must we do before we can expect forgiveness from sin?" After a long silence, one of the men in attendance raised his hand and said: "Sin?"