Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
- Why do you do that, Mommy?
- To make myself beautiful - said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
- What's the matter? - asked Little Johnny.
- Giving up?
What do you get if you cross the Lone Ranger with an insect?
→ The Masked-quito!
Webster's Dictionary definition of Windows 95
Windows95: n. 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
Merry Christmas in Legal Terms
Please accept without obligation, express or implied, these best wishes for an environmentally safe, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, and gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday as practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice (but with respect for the religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or for their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all) and further for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated onset of the generally accepted calendar year (including, but not limited to, the Christian calendar, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures). The preceding wishes are extended without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee(s).
A homosexual walked into a delicatessen and asked the shopkeeper for a large knob of salami.
- Would you like it sliced, sir? - the shopkeeper asked politely.
- What do you think I am? - replied the fag:
- ...a money box!
What are the three fastest means of communication?
→ Internet Telephone Telawoman!
A rather well proportioned young lady, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of the hotel.
She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, being a naturist, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
- Excuse me, miss - said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.
- The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.
- What difference does it make - Joan asked rather calmly.
- No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel.
- Not exactly - said the embarrassed little man.
- You're lying on the dining room skylight.
A new government 10 year survey cost $3,000,000,000 revealed that 3/4 of the people in America make up 75% of the population.
According to recent surveys, 51% of the people are in the majority.
Did you know that 87.166253% of all statistics claim a precision of results that is not justified by the method employed?
80% of all statistics quoted to prove a point are made up on the spot.
According to a recent survey, 33 of the people say they participate in surveys.
What do you call a statistician on drugs?
→ A high flyer.
How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ 1-3, alpha = .05
There is no truth to the allegation that statisticians are mean. They are just your standard normal deviates.
Did you hear about the statistician who invented a device to measure the weight of trees?
→ It's referred to as the log scale.
Did you hear about the statistician who took the Dale Carnegie course?
→ He improved his confidence from .95 to .99.
Why don't statisticians like to model new clothes?
→ Lack of fit.
Did you hear about the statistician who was thrown in jail?
→ He now has zero degrees of freedom.
Statisticians must stay away from children's toys because they regress so easily.
The only time a pie chart is appropriate is at a baker's convention.
Never show a bar chart at an AA meeting.
Old statisticians never die, they just undergo a transformation.
How do you tell one bathroom full of statisticians from another?
→ Check the p-value.
Did you hear about the statistician who made a career change and became an surgeon specializing in ob/gyn?
→ His specialty was histerectograms.
The most important statistic for car manufacturers is autocorrelation.
Some statisticians don't drink because they are t-test totalers. Others drink the hard stuff as evidenced by the proliferation of box-and-whiskey plots.
Underwater ship builders are concerned with sub-optimization.
The Lipton Company is big on statistics--especially t-tests.
- Psst, c'mere - said the shifty-eyed man wearing a long black trenchcoat, as he beckoned me off the rainy street into a damp dark alley. I followed.
- What are you selling?
- Geometrical algebra drugs.
- Huh!?
- Geometry drugs. Ya got your uppers, your downers, your sidewaysers, your inside-outers...
- Stop right there - I interrupted.
- I've never heard of inside-outers.
- Oh, man, you'll love 'em. Makes you feel like M.C. ever-lovin' Escher on a particularly weird day.
- Go on...
- OK, your inside-outers, your arbitrary bilinear mappers, and here, heh, here are the best ones - he said, pulling out a large clear bottle of orange pills.
- What are those, then?
- Givens transformers. They'll rotate you about more planes than you even knew existed.
- Sounds gross. What about those bilinear mappers?
- There's a whole variety of them. Here's one you'll love -- they call it 'One Over Z' on the street. Take one of these little bad boys and you'll be on speaking terms with the Point at Infinity.
Serbian official press agency claimed today that Serbian forces shot down two F-117 Planes and four Ballistic "smart" missiles.
Pentagon denied the statement, saying that all of them had safely returned to NATO's base.
