Most viewed jokes

- I took my son to the zoo yesterday.

- Really, did they accept him?

Yo mama so skinny she hula hoops with a cheerio
Yo mama so skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex.
Yo mama so skinny she turned sideways and dissapeared.

A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it, "I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then."

He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?"

"Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said:

- Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.

The engineer replied:

- But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.

Then, the lawyer spoke up. - Yes, - he said - But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?

Why do women have arms?
→ Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?

A man goes into a doctor's office and says:

- Doctor! Doctor! I have five penises!

The doctor says:

- Good lord! How do your pants fit?

The man replies:

- Like a glove.

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most:

- When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said...

- let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down.

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room. But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there." "No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

- Are you crazy - yelled the customer - sticking your thumb in my steak?!

- What - answers the waiter - You want it to fall on the floor again?

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

- What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.? - said the officer.

- I'm going to a lecture - the man said.

- And who is going to give a lecture at this hour? - the cop asked.

- My wife - said the man.