Most viewed jokes

What do you call a blonde that just came out of the closet?
→ The Hide and Seek champion of 1992.

A man asked his wife:

- What would you most like for your birthday?

She said:

- I'd love to be ten again.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.

Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.

At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked:

- Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?

One eye opened and she groaned:

- Actually, honey, I meant dress size!

A very large mathematical convention was held in Las Vegas. The conventioneers filled two hotels, each with an infinite number of rooms. The hotels were across the street from each other and were owned by brothers. One evening, while everyone was out at a bar-b-que, one of the hotels burned to the ground. The brothers got together and worked out a plan. In the remaining hotel, they moved all guests to twice their room number -- room 101 moved to 202, room 1234 moved to room 2468, etc. Then all the odd number rooms were empty, and there were an infinite number of odd rooms. So the guests from the other hotel moved into them

What is the difference between a fly and a bird?
→ A bird can fly but a fly can't bird!

A co-worker of mine fielded phone calls from his Alumni Association every three months for about five years, ostensibly checking to see that his records were up to date, and coincidentally asking if he'd like to donate to the Alumni Association. Once, when checking his records, the employee asked:

- Is xxx-xxxx your current phone number?

Seeing his opportunity, he answered no, and made up a new phone number. He hasn't heard from them since.

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house.

Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled:

- STOP! Acts 2:38! ("Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.") As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody.

As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked:

- Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse.

- Scripture? - replied the burglar.

- She said she had an axe and two 38's!

A woman orders a chicken sandwhich and starts to choke.

People are running frantically, trying to figure out what to do. Two homosexuals sitting in the corner wisper to each other and run in front of the choking lady. One strips out of his overalls, bends over butt naked in front of his friend. His friend proceeds to lick the other's ass.

Upon seeing this, the lady vomits forcing the lodged food from her throat. After making sure the lady is OK, the two homosexuals return to their food.

One turns to the other and says:

- Wow, that hind-lick manuever really works!

You may have heard that a New Zealand man had a hand transplant. Guess what? His penis rejected it!

The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed:

- Give four advantages of breast milk.

What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers.

The new hooker had just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details. She said:

- Well, he was a big, muscular and handsome marine.

- Well? What did he want to do? - they all asked.

She said:

- I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he did not have that much. So, I told him a blowjob would be $75, but he did not have that much either. Finally I said, 'Well how much do you have?' The marine said he only had $25. So, I told him, 'For $25, all I can give you is a hand job.' He agreed and after getting the finances straight, he pulled it out. I put one hand on it. Then, I put the other hand above that one.

She paused, raised her eyebrows, and then continued:

- Then I put the first hand above the second hand...

- Oh my God! - they all exclaimed. It must have been huge! Then what did you do?

- I loaned him $75!