A man was driving up a steep and narrow mountain road.
A woman was driving down the same road. As they passed each other, the woman leaned out the window and yelled:
- Pig!
The man immediately leaned out his window and replied:
- Bitch!
They continue on their way and as the man rounded the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
Why does an elephant have four feet?
→ Because it would look silly with six inches.
Come on, Fred, I'll take you to the zoo. If the zoo wants me, let them come and get me!
Wait a minute? Isn't IBM running this Christmas..?
A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight!
Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet.
Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said:
- Why did you put up such a fight?
To which the man promptly replied:
- I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!
Three gay guys were all in a car crash and died. All three guys were cremated.
Their boyfriends were talking about what they were going to do with the ashes.
The first boyfriend said I am going to sky dive and spread his ashes in the sky because that's what he liked. The second guy said I am going to spread my boyfriend's ashes in the sea because it's what he liked.
The third guy said I'm going to put my boyfriend's ashes in a bowl of chili so he can rip through my ass one last time!!
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ How many can you afford?
George W. Bush was passing through an airplane terminal and he noticed an old man in a long white robe, with a long white beard, long white hair and carrying two stone tablets in his arms. He approached the man and asked, "Aren't you Moses?" But the man wouldn't listen to him and continued walking. George asked him again, "Aren't you Moses?" The old man continued ignoring him, even turning his back on little Bush. George grabs the man's arm, looks him right in the eye and insists, "Answer me -- Aren't you Moses?" The man replies, "I'm not saying shit! The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up roaming the desert for 40 years!"
Woman goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk for two AA batteries. The clerk gestures with his fingers and says, "Come this way," and heads towards the back of the store.
- If I could come that way - she tells the retreating clerk:
- I wouldn't need the batteries.
YOU KNOW WHEN THE POST OFFICE IS HIRING WHEN THE FLAG OUT FRONT IS AT HALF MAST.
THE POSTAL WORKERS WANT HAZZARD PAY AND WORKERS COMP FOR SLIPPING ON SHELL CASINGS
