Most viewed jokes

Jewish telegram:
→ Begin worrying. Details to follow.

What's a man's idea of housework?
→ Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
→ They are both empty from the neck up!

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her classes:

- A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?

After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer.

With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered:

- A lawyer!

While attending a spelling session in school one day, the teacher asked if anyone could spell the word DUMB.

Darla raises her hand and says:

- I can, I can.

The teacher replies:

- OK, go ahead Darla...

Darla replies:

- D-U-M-B.

The teacher replies:

- Very good, and can you use that word in a sentence?

Darla replies:

- Sure, Buckwheat is very DUMB.

The teacher replies:

- OK, well can anyone spell the word STUPID?

Again, Darla raises her hand, and the teacher replies:

- OK, go ahead Darla.

Darla replies:

- S-T-U-P-I-D.

The teacher replies:

- Very good, and can you use that word in a sentence?

Darla replies:

- Sure, Buckwheat is very STUPID.

The teacher replies:

- OK, well let's continue, can anyone spell the word DICTATE?

No one raises their hand, so the teacher asks Buckwheat if he can spell the word DICTATE.

Buckwheat replies:

- Sure, D-I-C-T-A-T-E.

The teacher replies:

- Very good Buckwheat, and can you use that word in a sentence?

Buckwheat replies:

- Sure I can. I may be DUMB and I may be STUPID, but Darla says my DICTATE good.

- Fred: What's that terribly ugly thing on your shoulders?

- Harry: Help! What is it?

- Fred: Your head!

One day I go to Toronto and stay in a bigga hotel.

I go down to eat soma breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two pissa toast. She bring me only one piss.

I tella her I wanna two piss; she say, go to toilet - I say, you no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you betta no piss on plate, you sonna ma b*tch! I don't even know lady, she calla me somma ma b*tch.

Then I go to pharmacia with a cough. The man he give me candy ana tell me fa cough! - I don't even know man ana he tella me FA COUGH!

Later I got to eat soma lunch at Ricky's Place, the waitress she bring me spoon, a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock - She tell me everybody wanna fock. I tella her, you no understand, I wanna fock on table. She say you betta not fock on table you sonna ma b*tch - I not even know lady ana she call me sonna ma b*tch.

So, I go back to my hotel room, an there's no sheet on my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheet, he tell me go to toilet. So, I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on bed. He say you betta not sheet on bed you sonna ma b*tch. I don't even know man ana he call me sonna ma b*tch!

I go to check out of hotel and man at desk say peace to you. I say peace on you too!, you sonna ma b*tch! - I GO BACK TO ITALY!!!

How do you make him stop playing?
→ Put notes on it!

What did the guitar say to the guitarist?
→ Pick on someone your own size!

What's the definition of a minor second?
→ Two lead guitarists playing in unison.

What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
→ Counterpoint.

How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
→ Give him a sheet of music.

How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say, "Not bad, but I could've done better".

What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig?
→ Would you like fries with that?

What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?
→ Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?
→ You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked:

- When did you bag him?

The host said proudly:

- That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife.

- What's he stuffed with - asked the visiting hunter.

- My ex-wife - replied the hunter.

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said:

- We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?

- I'll take the lawyer's heart - said the patient.

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.

- It was easy - said the patient.

- I wanted a heart that hadn't been used.