Most viewed jokes

How can you tell if a blonde is a redneck?
→ If she can chew tobacco and suck dick at the same time and still know which one to spit out.

A young boy, about eight years old, walks into the local grocery store and picks out a huge box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over, and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

- Nope, no laundry - the boy said

- I'm going to wash my dog!

- But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

- Oh, he died - the boy said sadly.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added:

- I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog!

- Well - the boy replied

- I don't think it was the detergent that killed him.

- Oh? What was it then?

- I think it was the spin cycle!

1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed
2. All polar bears are left-handed
3. If your car is stolen, there's a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar bear

1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles
2. 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles
3. Work stuffs up your eyesight

1. All dogs are animals
2. All cats are animals
3. Therefore, all dogs are cats

1. A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second
2. Ten babies are conceived around the world every second
3. Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of becoming pregnant

What do you call two guys in a sleepping bag?
→ A gay time....

There was this fisherman that always had a good day fishing. His friend, the game warden, couldn't figure out how he did it, so one day the game warden decided to go fishing with his friend. The fisherman took his friend the warden out to his favorite spot. Once there, the fisherman took a stick of dynamite out of his backpack, lit it, and threw it into the water. The dynamite exploded and a dozen fish floated to the top. The game warden said:

- That's illegal, you can't do that.

The fisherman goes:

- Really?

He then lights another stick of dynamite and throws it into the water. The dynamite exploded, and a dozen more fish floated to the top. The game warden said:

- Stop that now, and take this boat back to shore...

I'm going to have to give you a citation and confiscate all your gear.

The fisherman said:

- Oh, really?

He then lights another stick of dynamite, throws it into the game warden's lap, and said:

- You gonna sit there and keep flapping your trap, or are you gonna fish?

There's these four Irishmen in a bar, all drinking Guinness. One of them is looking rather puzzled, so another turns to him and asks him what's the matter.

- 1st Irishman: Well, I was just trying to remember what 2 plus 2 is.

- 2nd Irishman: Oh, that's easy, it's 147.

- 1st Irishman: No no no, that can't be right. How about you, Fergus, do you know what 2 plus 2 is?

- 3rd Irishman: Hmmm ... could it be Wednesday, perhaps?

- 1st Irishman: No no no, that doesn't sound right either. How about you Pat, do you know?

- 4th Irishman: Simple, the answer is 4.

- 1st Irishman: Of course! How did you work it out?!

- 4th Irishman: Aha, that's where brains come in! I subtracted 147 from Wednesday!

Two prisoners are talking about their crimes:

- George: I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years

- Herman: Hmm. I killed a man, and I'm here for 3 days

- George: WHAT??? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill a man and get 3 days???

- Herman: Yeah, it was a lawyer.

There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says:

- I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!

Betty says:

- Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you.

10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock... 12 o'clock... Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flies open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom.

Betty goes and knocks on the door:

- Are you okay, Gladys??

No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.

- What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong? - asks Betty.

- Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!

Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky.

Holmes said:

- Watson, look up. What do you see?

- Well, I see thousands of stars.

- And what does that mean to you?

- Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?

- To me, it means someone has stolen our tent.

A Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain announces:

- Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. This island appears to be uncharted; I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives.

A few minutes later the plane lands safely on the island, whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks:

- Esther, did we pay our pledge to the Yeshiva yet?

- No Morris! - she responded.

Morris smiles, then asks:

- Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?

- Oy no, I forgot to send the check!!

Now Morris laughs.

- One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our Temple Building Fund check this month?

- Oy Morris I forgot that one too!

Now Morris is practically choking with laughter.

Esther asks Morris:

- So what are you smiling and laughing about?

Morris responds:

- They'll find us!!