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Barroom Disturbance

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.

Said the policeman:

- I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini.

The giant nodded.

- If I had some chains - the deputy continued - you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?

Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes.

- I can't get out of these - the giant growled.

- Are you sure? - the deputy asked. The fellow tried again.

- Nope - he replied.

- I can't do it.

- In that case - said the deputy - you're under arrest.

Two Drunks From Dublin

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

- Why of course - comes the reply.

The first man then asks:

- Where are you from?

- I'm from Ireland - replies the second man.

The first man responds:

- You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland.

- Of course - replies the second man.

I'm curious, the first man then asks:

- Where in Ireland are you from?

- Dublin - comes the reply.

- I can't believe it - says the first man.

- I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin.

- Of course - replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:

- What school did you go to?

- Saint Mary's - replies the second man.

- I graduated in '62.

- This is unbelievable! - the first man says.

- I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. - What's been going on? - he asks the bartender.

- Nothing much - replies the bartender.

- The O'Kinly twins are drunk again.

The Drunk and the Bartender

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. He staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries:

- Man! How many bars do you work at?

Map Of Texas

A guy was attending a masquerade Halloween Ball, and dancing with a girl who was wearing a map of Texas for a costume. Suddenly she slapped him hard and stalked off the dance floor.

- What the hell happened? - asked a friend who had witnessed the entire event.

- I'm not really sure - the man replied, rubbing his red cheek - When she asked if I had ever been to Texas, I put my finger on Amarillo to show her, and she let me have it.

Paul And Jesus

Jesus has just been nailed to the cross and has begun to suffer from the wounds, A crowd has gathered to watch and sympathize with Him. As Jesus looks out over the gathering he calls to one of his apostle's.

- Paul... Paul - He calls out.

Paul hears his name and comes to the front of the gathering.

- Yes Jesus, how may I serve you - he exclaims.

Just then a guard comes up to Paul, cuts Paul's right arm off with his sword, and throws him back into the crowd, saying:

- No one is allowed to speak with the prisoner!

Jesus once again calls his name.

- Paul . . . Paul - he calls.

Paul, determined goes to the front of the gathering again. There he meets the same gaurd who this time cuts off the left arm, and both legs and throws him back into the crowd.

Jesus yells out once again:

- Paul,... Paul.

Paul, who is now lying on his back on the ground attempts to roll to the front of the gathering. The guard seeing this determination and devotion finally weakens and decides to let Paul speak to Jesus. He goes over to Paul, picks him up and brings him to the front of the crowd. Paul, with tears in his eyes looks up to his savior and speaks:

- Yes Jesus, I am here. What is it I can do for you?

Jesus looks over the horizon and then to Paul and states:

- Oh nothing. I just wanted to tell you that I could see your house from here!

The Widow and the Toad

A widow was feeling rather lonely and decided that the best thing for her would be to have a companion. So, off she went to the pet shop.

She wasn't sure just what kind of pet she'd like, so she figured she'd just walk around until she found just the 'right one.' She went past the adorable little puppies, past the playful kittens, past the preening birds, past the sleeping hamsters, past the whirling gerbils, and past the colorful fish.

Nothing really appealed to her and seemed to be just what she was looking for. She decided to go around the store again.

On the way over to the puppies, she walked by a barrel. At the bottom of the barrel was a rather nasty looking toad. When she looked in, he WINKED at her! Our poor widow just shook herself! She couldn't believe it. She rather quickly went back to the other pets on display.

Once again, she checked out those sweet little puppies, the darling kittens, the fluttering birds, the fuzzy hamsters, the sleek gerbils, and the darting fish. Nothing really, really did it for her. She was starting to get discouraged. So, she figured one last time around, just in case she missed something.

Going by the barrel again, she took another peek. There was that nasty toad, and this time, he puckered up & threw her a kiss!!

This was almost too much for the poor widow and she just about ran over to the other pets.

She tried hard to find just the right one to take home with her, but not one of those cute puppies or silky kittens or chirping birds or golden hamsters or skinny gerbils or fancy fish seemed right for her.

Totally discouraged by now, the widow decide to go home.

On the way out of the shop, she had to walk past the barrel again. As she furtively peeked in, the toad just gave her the most beseeching look, and he had a little tear on the corner of his eye. He even sniffed a bit. This was too much for our widow, she started heading for the exit in a hurry.

All of a sudden it struck her that this poor toad was probably just as lonely as she was. Not only that, but he was so ugly that no one would probably buy him, especially not with all the other nice pets available.

So up to the counter she marched, told the salesperson she'd take the toad, but requested that he be put in a sturdy box. When she got to her car, she placed the box on the seat next to her and proceeded to drive home.

As she was driving along, she heard some scratching coming from the box. She tried to ignore it for a bit, but then thought that the toad might need some air, so she opened the box a bit. (What could it hurt?) She would glance over at the toad from time to time, and he kept winking at her and throwing her kisses. She finally thought, "oh heck, what could it hurt?" and she leaned over and KISSED him!

And POOF! He turned into a HANDSOME PRINCE!!!

And do you know what our poor widow turned into?

The first motel she came to!

Not The Real Woodstock

From "Late Show with David Letterman" on Tuesday, August 9, 1994

  1. It's hosted by Ed McMahon.
  2. "Amplifiers" are just enormous dixie cups.
  3. Every song contains a plug for Green Giant frozen vegetables.
  4. You're asked to put on a hat and sunglasses and the next thing you know, you're being introduced as Bob Dylan.
  5. One word: polkas.
  6. Guy sitting next to you brought a glove and has caught three foul balls.
  7. "Santana" turns out to be a jolly bearded guy with a sackful of presents.
  8. They're playing "May we turn the hose on you, please?" [All night Dave sprayed the crowd which gathers outside for each night's show with a hose.]
  9. You spot Rush Limbaugh stage-diving.
  10. The crowd is chanting, "Tito! Tito! Tito!"

Normal Car Versus F1

Reasons why a normal Car is a far superior vehicle than a F1 Car

Hundreds of people and tens of millions of dollars go into building an F1 car, but a normal car is a far superior vehicle. You wonder what goes through those guys' minds when design their cars. THEY'RE ALL WRONG!!!!

  1. No door... I mean, people have to climb in. Actually, ANYBODY can climb in and steal it. Pffft!
  2. No roof... The people who drive these things are left open to the elements. Like, even convertible cars have something you can pull over your head.
  3. No radio (AM and FM), no cassette nor CD player... how boring it must be to drive in those things for close to two hours without having anything to listen to.
  4. No heating... Being left open to the elements, the drivers' toes must become very cold after a while.
  5. No coffee cup holder... Those guys can spill all the hot (and dangerous stuff) over themselves. What with them steering with one hand and trying to drink with the other.
  6. No ashtrays and electric lighter...
  7. No windshield wipers... and they expect them to race in the rain?
  8. No windshields... Well, I guess no. 7 and 8 go hand in hand.
  9. No turn signals... How can they indicate they intend to pass?
  10. No headlights... No wonder they only drive in the day time.
  11. Only one brake light...
  12. Only one seat... How can a guy go necking with his girlfriend at the local drive in?
  13. No anchor for a baby seat... And they are trying to make us believe that safety comes first?
  14. No trunk...
  15. No adjustable seats... (mine goes back and forth, and can be tilted as well)
  16. High fuel consumption...
  17. Engines that don't last...
  18. Tyres that just wear off in no time flat...
  19. Where's the bloody ignition? I guess it's back to the old Model T days when the cars had to be crank started.
  20. No sun visor... Must be fun driving those things with the sun in the eyes.

Talk about accidents waiting to happen.