Most viewed jokes

This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please." A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."

- 0-9: Extremely slow. Even a trip to the store with Mom seems like going to Albania - by covered wagon. Most common phrase: "Is it Christmas yet?"

- 10-19: Still slow. Scientific evidence seems to show that school clocks actually move backwards just before the bell rings.

- 20-29: Alternately fast and slow. Weekends seem shorter and shorter, yet paychecks seem further and further apart.

- 30-39: Time achieves warp speed, except when put on hold on the telephone and forced to endure anything longer than 5 seconds of Muzak. Most common phrase: "Is it Christmas already?"

- 40-49: Still fast. Seems like just yesterday when Jerry Brown said he might run for President. Wait a minute! It WAS yesterday when he said that. Also, Dick Clark still looks the same. Could time be slowing down?

- 60-69: Hey! What happened to 50-59?

- 70+: Unbelievably fast. Wars used to last years. Now it seems like they're over in a couple weeks.

Two friends meet each other on the street.

- Hello! Where are you coming from? - asked Bill.

- Oh, don't ask me! I'm coming from the cemetery. I just burried my mother-in-law - replied Sid.

- I'm so sorry! - said Bill - But why is your face schratched all over?

- It wasn't so easy! - said Sid - She put on a hell of a fight!

A man takes his sick dog to the vet. The vet lifts the dog onto the operating table, looks down and says:

- Say ahhhhhhhhhhh!

The man looks at the vet and says:

- The dog can't speak.

The vet says to the man:

- I was talking to YOU. The dog's dead!!!

Mother: What seems to be the problem with you? You have been married three years and still no children. I had hopes of being a grandmother by now.

Daughter: I just don't know, Mom! Billy tries all the time, it's just that I have a lot of trouble swallowing.

- Patient: Doctor I'm having trouble having sex with my wife. When I get close enough to her, I get nauseous. When I insert, even an inch or two, I get sick to my stomach.

- Doctor: Hmmmm, that does sound serious. Let me see it.

Patient sticks out his tongue...

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8.00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

- Where have you been! - demanded his wife when he entered the house.

- Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8.00 p.m.

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said:

- You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!

Top Dallas Cowboy Excuses (for losing 1995 NFC Championship)
From David Letterman - Tuesday, January 17, 1995

- Afraid to play in Super Bowl against anyone but the Bills.

- Distracted by delicious smell of barbecue coming from John Madden's announce booth.

- Trying to make one of Marv Albert's blooper reels.

- Our friends on New York Jets convinced us: "Winning's no big deal."

- Worried sick about Letterman botching the Academy Awards.

- Those big guys on other team kept trying to knock us down.

- Who needs all the pressure of a Super Bowl? Not us, Lonnie!

- What a time to notice, them cheerleader outfits is skimpy!

- Tired of going to Disneyland.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
→ Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

At a government affair, the wives of four world leaders are chatting about how people refer to a penis in their countries.

The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.

The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.

The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.

With great resignation, the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth...