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What's green and has wheels?
→ A Frog
I lied about the wheels

Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow.

- How old was your husband? - he asked.

- He was ninety-eight - she answered softly.

- Two years older than I am.

- Really? - the undertaker said.

- Hardly worth going home, wouldn't you say?

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself:

- Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself:

- Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says:

- Darling, I've a confession to make.

And she says:

- So have I, love.

To which he replies:

- Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks.

Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies.

He manages to make contact with Abe the next day.

Abe says:

- I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?

Max replies:

- Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing 'Sheherezade,' your favorite piece, tomorrow night!

Abe says:

- So what's the bad news?

Max replies:

- Well, you're booked to play the solo!

There once was a violist playing in the Winnipeg Symphony. He wasn't that wonderful a player, so he sat at the back of the section. One day, he was cleaning out his attic and discovered an old lamp. He gave it a rub and out popped a genie.

- For letting me out of my lamp, I'll grant you three wishes! - he said.

The violist thought for a moment and replied:

- Make me a far better musician than I am now.

The genie told him that this would be done. He was to go to sleep and in the morning, he would be a much better musician. The next day, he woke up to find himself the principal violist of the symphony. Well, this was just great, he thought! But he knew he could do better. He rubbed the lamp again and out popped the genie.

- You have two more wishes! - he said.

- I want you to make me a better musician than I am even now!

Once again, the genie told him to go to bed and when he woke up, it would be so. When the violist awoke, he found he was now the principal violist of the Berlin Philharmonic. Well, the violist thought this was pretty grand, but knew he could do better yet. He rubbed on the lamp again and once more out came the genie.

- This is your last wish. - the genie said.

- I want you to make me yet a better musician still!

Yet again, he was told to go to sleep. The next morning, he woke up to find himself back in Winnipeg, sitting in the last desk of the second violin section.

As public television viewers in 12 cities sat glued to their sets while doctors in Philadelphia reconstructed 15-month-old Michele Miller's skull during a two-hour operation broadcast live, the girl's parents, Lynn and Paul Miller of Princeton, N.J., opted to watch "The Wizard of Oz" instead.

A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car.

- They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator - she cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich, and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car together in the Midwest, when suddenly a tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. When they come down and pull themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the land of OZ. Naturally, they decide to go to see the Wizard of OZ.

Says Quayle:

- I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain.

Says Gingrich:

- I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart.

Clinton says:

- Where's Dorothy?

The Bachelor Diet

Monday

Breakfast - Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth
Lunch - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers" - those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chilli, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of maalox.
Afternoon Snack - Drink the maalox
Dinner - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece Dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.

Tuesday

Breakfast - Eat the coleslaw
Lunch - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.
Dinner - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.

Wednesday

Breakfast - Jaws couldn't eat Breakfast after a night at El Flasho's
Lunch - Rolaids and a coke
Dinner - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps

Thursday

Breakfast - Order out for pizza
Lunch - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbombers sack for leftovers.
Dinner - Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get hungry ask the bartender for olives.

Friday

Breakfast - Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it's better for you.
Lunch - Skip Lunch, Fridays are murder
Dinner - Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don't eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.

Saturday

Breakfast - Sleep through it.
Lunch - Ditto
Dinner - Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Dont eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.

Sunday

Breakfast - Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.
Lunch - Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Dont eat Lunch.
Dinner - Chicken noodle soup - Call your mom and ask her about renting your old room.

What's the difference between women and men?
→ One has morning sickness, the other has morning stiffness.