At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.
The judge said:
- State your name, occupation, and the charge.
The defendant said:
- I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery.
The judge winced and said:
- Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!
An old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins.
- How am I doing? He asks.
- Three knots, she replies.
- Three knots? What's that mean?
- You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back.
A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a while, the girl says:
- I wish you had a flashlight.
He says:
- Why's that?
She says:
- Because you've been eating grass for fifteen minutes.
The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Charlton are good enough to win the European Cup." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"
What is a ghost-proof bicycle?
→ One with no spooks in it.
Whats the difference between a bunch of lawyers in a porche and a porcupine?
→ A porcupine has pricks on the outside!
When white man found this land, Indians were running it.
There were:
- No Taxes
- No Debt
- Plenty buffalo
- Plenty beaver
- Medicine man free
- Women did all the work
- Men hunted and fished all the time
The white man was dumb enough to think he could improve on that system!
Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves. The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the circle god kept.
The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed inside the circle god kept.
The rabbi said:
- I've got you both beat. I throw the money into the air and what god wants, god takes.
- Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
- Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.
- If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them.
- No wonder nobody comes here; it's too crowded.
- We made too many wrong mistakes.
- You can observe a lot by just watching.
- I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4. - Yogi Berra
Messy desk. Top management can get away with a cleandesk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not workinghard enough. Build huge piles of documents around yourworkspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the sameas today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high andwide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, burythe document you'll need halfway down in an existing stackand rummage for it when he/she arrives.
