Two men were changing in the locker room after a game of tennis. One notices the other one is putting on pair of stockings and suspenders. He says "When did you start wearing them?" To which the other man replies "Since my wife found a pair on the back seat of the car."
I've never understood why women love cats.
Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, come home and expect to be fed and stroked, then want to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
What do you get if you sleep under a cow?
→ A PAT on the head.
What is a crowbar?
→ A place where crows go to get a drink!
The physical training instructor was drilling a platoon of soldiers.
- I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air and move them as though he were riding a bicycle - he explained. Now begin!
After a few minutes, one of the men stopped.
- Why did you stop. Smith? - demanded the officer.
- If you please, sir - said Smith - I'm freewheeling for a while.
A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender asks the seal:
- What's your pleasure?
The seal replies:
- Anything but Canadian Club.
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says:
- My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays.
The man thinks:
- What does a priest know about sex?
So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states:
- My son, sex is definitely play.
The man replies:
- Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?
The Rabbi softly speaks:
- If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it.
Three Irish women were discussing their respective mates over tea.
- I call my man 'Eight,' - said the first woman, - Because he's got eight inches, and we do it eight times a day.
The second woman said in response:
- I call my man 'Ten' because his dong is ten inches long, and we do it ten times every night.
The first woman then asked the third woman:
- What do you call your man?
She answered:
- 'Creme de Menthe.'
- Why? Isn't that a liqueur? - the other two wanted to know.
- Yep, it is, - said the woman, continuing, - yeah, you betcha!
I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot. It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there:
They have no wife to go home to...
or they do.
Two men were walking along the street when they came upon a dog licking his dick.
One man said:
- I sure wish I could do that.
The other replied:
- You can, but you're probably going to have to pet him first.
