Most viewed jokes

Which is the odd one out - a refrigerator, a washing machine, a TV or a woman?
→ The TV because all the others leak when they're fucked!

Two guys were on a long drive back from a fishing trip, when one turned to the other and said he needed to go to the bathroom. So they stopped the truck and he went behind the bushes. When he came back the other said:

- That was fast.

- Well I need to take a shit but I've got nothing to wipe my ass with.

The other answers:

- That's easy just go on back, pull out a dollar, and wipe your ass with it.

- O.K. - he says as he goes back over to the bush.

Later he comes back with a really upset look on his face and shit all over his hands and says:

- That was a terrible idea. Not only did I get shit all over me, I've got 10 Dimes Stuck up my ass!

What do you call the story of The Three Little Pigs?
→ A pigtail!

Where do cows go on a Saturday night?
→ To the moo-vies!

If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
→ Plenty of milk!

Why did the baby turkey bolt down his food?
→ Because he was a little gobbler!

Why did the starstruck chicken cross the road?
→ To see Gregory Peck!

What kind of tie does a pig wear?
→ Pig's tie!

What is another name for a cow?
→ A lawn-mooer!

Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
→ Because she was afraid someone would caesar!

What do you call a pig thief?
→ A hamburglar!

LOS ANGELES TIMES, December 9:
A man walked into a branch of the Antelope Valley Bank and handed a teller a note demanding money. The man had one hand in his pocket, as if holding a gun, so the teller began handing over the contents of her cash drawer.

When she had forked over $7,000 the robber said, "That's enough" and walked out the door. It's hard to find a bank robber who knows when he's had enough.

A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer's tedious arguments, had made numerous rulings to speed the trial along. The attorney had bristled at the judge's orders, and their tempers grew hot. Finally, frustrated with another repetition of arguments he had heard many times before, the judge pointed to his ear and said:

- Counselor, you should be aware that at this point, what you are saying is just going in one ear and out the other.

- Your honor - replied the lawyer.

- That goes without saying. What is there to prevent it?

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced:

- I'm going to try to swim to shore.

So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself:

- I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve.

So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself:

- I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too.

So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said:

- I'm too tired to go on!

So she swam back.

Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead.

- Damn - he says. I forgot to lock the office safe before we left.

His partner replies:

- What are you worried about? We're both here.

How is a woman like a condom?
→ Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after a big night ashore. As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over himself. Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted:

- Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting on me!

The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.

- Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he'd also shit in your pants.

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says:

- The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die.

The Frenchman says:

- I take ze sword.

The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says:

- a pistol for me please.

The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says:

- Gimme a fork!

The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and asks:

- My God, what are you doing?

And the New Yorker responds:

- So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!