Most viewed jokes

The Center for Opponent Neutralization (C.O.N.)
Tonya Harding Presents...

Get tired every softball season loosing to the same team with all the big sluggers year in and year out?

Are you tired of always getting beat 6-0, 6-0 by that arrogant tennis-playing friend of yours with his killer serve?

Haven't you had enough of that annoying golf buddy who always seems to shoot in the low 80's against you? Just tired of always loosing to someone better than you? Let us do the dirty work for you at the......

Tonya Harding Center For Opponent Neutralization
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Hunter Shot to Death By a Fox, Belgrade, Associated Press

A fox shot and killed a 38-year-old hunter in central Yugoslavia, the official Yugoslav news agency Tanjug reported yesterday.

Salih Hajdur, a farmer from the village of Gornje Hrasno in the Republic of Bosnia-Hercegovina, went to a nearby forest Sunday to shoot a fox, Tanjug said.

Hajdur wounded a fox in the leg, the agency said, but to spare the skin he did not fire again. Instead, he hit the animal with his refle butt. The struggling animal triggered a shot that hit Hajdur in the chest and killed him instantly, Tanjug said. The fox died later, Tanjug added.

- Ken: So Mr. President did you ever buy Lewinsky any gifts?

- Prez: I don't rightly recall ... actually I did once splash out on a dress for her

What is a macho man?
→ After getting a blow job, he asks the woman, 'Was it as good for you, as it was for me?'

A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building... he suddenly notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks:

- why the hell did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?

The blond answers in a very weak voice:

- we wanted to try out our new maxi-pads with wings...

What's the difference between a bull and a cow?
→ A bull smiles when you milk it.

An English man and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims, "may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony." The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: "no tanks, I'll just wait till the Garda get here!"

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said:

- In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg.

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the heaviest object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and punched him as hard as he could in the nose. The Englishman fell to the ground and was howling in agony and holding his nose for thirty minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said:

- Now it's my turn to punch you.

The Scotsman said:

- Keep the lousy egg.

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively:

- You've got great hair!

The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say:

- You're a handsome man!

The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.

When he went back to his beer, the voice said again:

- What a stud you are!

The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.

The bartender said:

- Oh, it's the nuts--they're complimentary.

What's the difference between a barmaid in the evening and a barmaid at night?
→ A barmaid in the evening is fair and buxom.
→ A barmaid at night is bare and ....