Most viewed jokes

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies:

- I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats:

- I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.

The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies:

- I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica.

At a jury trial with the jury consisting of 8 men and 4 women:

- Defendant: Your Honor, I wish to change my plea.

- Judge: Is someone using undue influence to prompt you to change your mind?

- Defendant: No sir, when I pleaded Not Guilty I didn't know there would be women on the jury. Since I can't even fool my wife, I'll never be able to fool the four women jurors.

A man and a woman are on an elevator at the top of the world's tallest building, when all of a sudden, the cable snaps and the elevator starts plummeting to the ground. The emergency brakes don't work, the emergency phone doesn't work, and they both begin to panic.

The woman screams:

- We're going to die! - rips off all her clothes, throws herself on the floor and says to the man:

- make me feel like a woman again!

So, he pulls off his jacket, throws it on the floor, and says:

- pick that up, bitch.

Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test.

Tester: If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Tester: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Tester: Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?

Paddy: Six.

Tester: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Paddy: Seven!

Tester: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?

Paddy : I've already got one rabbit at home!

There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam.

It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population, and young George was pretty excited.

- Sam, Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there? - asked George.

- George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until they're lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a nice orderly fashion. - said Sam.

- Okay, I can do that. - George answered.

Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Sam said and George was all excited to go down there, but Sam had a few more instructions.

- Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start at one end and you can start at the other. We'll meet in the middle - said Sam.

- OK, OK, let's go! - said George.

- Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These gals will let us have our way but you have to show some respect and be polite. OK? - said Sam.

- Sure - says George.

Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts at one end and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he remember's Sam's instructions about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure to say:

- Thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, sorry Sam, thank you ma'am.

What has 8 legs and likes living in trees?
→ Four anti road protesters?

Some men go on a hunting trip and separate into pairs. That evening one hunter, Sam, returned to camp alone toting a 12 point buck.

- Where's George? - one of the men asked, noticing that Sam had returned alone.

- He's about 6 miles back. He tripped and broke his ankle. I left him there 'cause I figured ain't nobody 'bout to steal him.

Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense. "You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?" The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?" The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."

Why do women get PMS?
→ THEY JUST FUCKING DO ALRIGHT!?

What's the purpose of a bellybutton?
→ To put your gum in on the way down.