Most viewed jokes

You've ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop.

One day two blind men started fighting.

Pretty soon a crowd surrounded them.

Then one of the members of the crowd yelled out:

- I bet 10 bucks on the one with the knife.

Both men ran away.

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said:

- Wedding cake.

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
→ Bonds mature!

LOS ANGELES TIMES, September 14:
According to a database maintained by Academic Guidance Services, there are 3,000 scholarships earmarked for golf caddies, newspaper carriers, glee clubbers, and band members.

Juanita College in Pennsylvania gives grants to needy left-handers.

Parents whose children were born on June 12, 1979 can plan ahead to apply for a scholarship to the Rochester Institute of Technology in honor of the school's 150th anniversary.

Bucknell University gives grants to students who do not use alcohol, tobacco, or narcotics and don't engage in strenuous activities.

A judge in Seattle uses the fines he collects from prostitutes to finance scholarships for their reformed sisters who want to return to school.

A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.

When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said:

- There are no fish in there.

So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.

So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.

- How do you know there are no fish there? - asks the blonde.

So the man cooly says:

- Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes.

The United Airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers:

- Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super.

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed, rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

- Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.

She calmly turned her head and said:

- In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one.

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat:

- Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Now put the tray up, Bitch.

One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. Apre-med student rudely interrupted to ask:

- Why do we have to learn thisstuff?

- To save lives. - the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. - So how does physicssave lives? - he persisted.

- It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school - replied the professor.

A political man to a woman:

- You look beautiful today!!!!

The woman replied:

- Thanks, but unfortunately I could not say the same about you.

- Sure you could!! - said the political man, if you could lie as well as I do!

There's a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a woman on board.

The headquarters in the US calls:

- Monkey #1, Monkey #1 report to coms for instructions.

He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.

A few moments later headquarters calls again:

- Monkey #2, Monkey #2 report to coms for instructions.

He sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation. So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.

A little later on, headquarters calls again:

- Woman, woman please report to coms for instructions.

She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says.....:

- I know, I know!! Feed the monkeys, and don't touch a damn thing.