Most viewed jokes

Requirements for 11th Degree Black Belt Master of Judo

Well before testing for this rank any experienced Judo teacher should have already learned these basic techniques:

- Escape from Dojo: The quick exit to avoid clean up and helping with the mats.

- Sleeper Stance: Standing at the corner of the dojo pretending to be observing the students as they sweat with exhaustion.

- Sigh of Wisdom: Sudden, forceful exhalation when a beginning student unexpectedly survives a dangerous body slam without injury.

- Crossing Fingers: A hopeful posture used when uke has been choked unconscious.

- Gift of Instruction: The act of taking credit whenever a student wins a tournament or performs a technique correctly.

- Seeing Without Seeing: The dazed look of amazement given to the student who asks a stupid question.

- Kuchi Waza (mouth technique): Using an hour of class time to answer the stupid question while students sit on their knees in seiza.

- Mugger's Defense: Offering to lighten the student's wallet to reduce the risk of confrontation.

- Sensei's Downfall: Failing to ask for enough money to keep the dojo open.

Further requirements:

- Must be able to walk on water (while it is in liquid form).

- Must be able to disable a man using only a Kleenex tissue as a weapon.

- Must be able to make up meaningless Zen koans on the spot.

- Must be able to catch a fly with chopsticks.

- Must be able to defeat multiple masked ninja movie warriors after they disclose their evil plans to you and leave you to die in an easily escapable situation.

- Must be able to voice over a Godzilla movie properly (i.e. coordination between the movement of the lips and the voice).

- Must be able to take a bullet (not in the chest of course but maybe in the foot or something).

- Must be able to make your own nuclear device with a piece of bubble gum, a pencil, some coconuts, and an alarm clock.

- Must be able to change into a judogi in a phone booth at any given moment.

- Must be able to sing Karaoke.

- Must be able to use nature to your advantage (e.g. sick a dog on the enemy, throw stones at him, climb a tree and hide...)

- Must be able to fight blindfolded and win (against blind competitors of course).

- Must have completed a course in "Basic Samurai Sushi".

- Must be able to choreograph street fights for Jackie Chan movies.

- Must be able to use an opponent's skill as a reason for defeat.

- Must be able to keep all bleeding internal.

- Must be able to trim an entire forest into a bonsai garden in 25 minutes or less.

Note: Laughing at any time will disqualify the potential 11th dan. If a member of the Senior Board of Examiners makes a comment and then waits expectantly, it may be an indication that he has just made a joke. A half-smile may be tried at this time, but in no other instance.

A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end...

- And lead us not into temptation - she prayed, but deliver us some e-mail, Amen.

One day a blonde went into Wal-Mart and saw something she liked. The Blonde asked the clerk what it was. The Clerk said it was a thermous.

- What does the thermous do?

- It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.

So she bought one. The blonde brought it to work one day and the blondes boss who also is a blonde said what is that thing? It is a thermous the first blonde said. What does it do? Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. What do you have in it? I have coffee and a popcycle in it.

Someone asks to see your I.D. and you show them your belt buckle.

Department Store Santa Peeves

8. Kids who refuse to believe that it's fruitcake on your breath and not gin.
9. When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it.
10. Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "Crime Watch"
11. Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a swig from your hip flask
12. Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Drama School
13. Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes
14. Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since he got back from 'Nam
15. Two words: lap rash

What happens to a dog that keeps eating bits off of the table?
→ He gets splinters in his mouth!

What kind of dog chases anything red?
→ A bull dog!

What kind of dog wears a uniform and medals?
→ A guard dog!

What do you call a dog in jeans and a sweater?
→ A plain clothes police dog!

What do you get if you cross a dog and a skunk?
→ Rid of the dog!

What do you get if you cross a computer and a Rottweiller?
→ A computer with a lot of bites!

What do you get if you cross a dog with a kangaroo?
→ A dog that has somewhere to put its own lead!

What do you get if you cross a dog and a sheep?
→ A sheep that can round itself up!

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:
\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@@50%heat//
Then enter:
ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter:
ms.no.good/tryagain\again/again.crap.

This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items.

If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer:

- Is there a problem, Officer?

- No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?

John thought for a minute and said:

- Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license.

Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman:

- Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's just a wise guy when he's drunk and stoned.

Brian from the back seat said:

- I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said:

- Are we over the border yet?

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say:

- Jesus is watching you!

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

- Jesus is watching you - the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot:

- Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?

- Yes - said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot:

- What's your name?

- Clarence - said the bird.

- That's a dumb name for a parrot - sneered the burglar.

- What idiot named you Clarence?

The parrot said:

- The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus.

A cop pulls a car over on the highway for speeding. When he asks for the driver's license, the driver argued, "Speeding??? But officer, I was only trying to keep a safe distance between my car the car in back of me."