Most viewed jokes

Advice From Men To Women...

- Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'...

- If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it....

- Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one....

- Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials....

- Please don't drive when you're not driving....

- Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline....

- The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!...

- When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.

A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked:

- Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?

- Ever go a fishin'? - the policeman suddenly asked the man.

- Ummm, yeah... - the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added:

- Did you ever catch 'em all?

Two gay men were in bed fooling around when all of a sudden the door bell rings. The first gay man tells the second, "Don't cum until I come back", and he rushes off to answer the door.

After a few minutes, he eagerly returns to the bedroom only to find cum was all over the bed and sheets. He says to the second gay man, "I thought you wasn't going to cum until I came back." The second gay man says to the first, "I didn't cum, ........ I farted!"

But let's get real here guys, I mean who exactly are we kidding? A husband controls his wife in much the same manner as a barometer controls the weather.

Two young nuns having just been ordained were on a holiday in New York City and were standing in front of the gorilla cage at the Bronx Zoo. The gorilla took one look at this beautiful young nun, bent the bars, lept to the ground and kissed her. Then he went back into his cage, straightened the bars and resumed thumping on his massive chest. The nouns met again a week later and one of the nouns asked her friend:

- I have one question.

- Did he sent flowers afterwards...?

What do you call an ant who can't play the piano?
→ Discordant!

A cop pulled up two Irish drunks, and asked to the first, "What's your name and address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turned to the second drunk, and asked the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on your tree (all identical) at the same time.

A tough case was being argued in court. The defense attorney, feeling that he was in trouble, sent the judge a bottle of hundred-year old brandy. The defendant was fit to be tied.

"The judge'll kill me. Trying to bribe him! We're dead!"

- I don't think so - his attorney told him. I sent it in the other lawyer's name!

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

- All set back here, Captain - came the reply.

- except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.