Most viewed jokes

A man goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says:

- I'll bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus CAN'T play

The people in the bar look around, and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes the string, and starts playing the guitar.

The octopus' owner pockets the $50 Next, a guy comes up with a trumpet. The octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy pockets yet another $50. The bar owner has been watching all of this and disappears to the back. He comes back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus:

- Now, if your octopus can play THAT, I'll give you $100.

The octopus takes a long hard look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has yet another look from a different angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner comes over and says:

- What are you waitin for? Hurry up and play that damn thing!

The octopus says:

- Play it? Hell if I can work out how to get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna screw it!!

There is a stuffed 'possum mounted anywhere in your home.

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.

Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":

- The Engagement Ring

- The Wedding Ring

- The Suffe-Ring

- The Endu-Ring

In olden times, it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar.

Since then, weddings have been held there, and times haven't changed at all!

Northerners visiting the South

Information for Northerners Visiting the Southern States

If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the south, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in life styles:

1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel-drive pickup truck with a 12-pack of beer and a towchain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.
3. Remember: "Y'all" is singular, "All y'all" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive.
4. Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
5. You may hear a Southerner say "Oughta!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all oughta not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"
6. Don't be worried about not understanding what people are saying; they can't understand you, either.
7. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol'," as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy." Most Northerners begin their new Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
8. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
9. Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.
10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
11. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
12. When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks here learn to drive on a John Deere, and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle

The unit engineer had just finished a talk on introducing mechanization in fatigue details. A sergeant reported thoughtfully:

- Sir, I just discovered something that does the work of fifty men.

- What is it - the officer got interested.

- Two hundred soldiers.

Why are men like blenders?
→ You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
→ It changes their blood type.

IDEAL DATE

- At 17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in

- At 25 "Split the check before we go back to my place"

- At 35 "Just come over."

- At 48 "Just come over and cook."

- At 66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said:

- I'm off. The man should be here soon

Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

- Good morning, madam. I've come to....

- Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you - Mrs. Smith cut in.

- Really? - the photographer asked.

- Well, good. I've made a speciality of babies

- That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.

After a moment, she asked, blushing:

- Well, where do we start?

- Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!

- Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me

- Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results

- My, that's a lot of..... - gasped Mrs. Smith.

- Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure

- Don't I know it - Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

- This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London

- Oh my God! - Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

- And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with

- She was difficult? - asked Mrs. Smith.

- Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look

- Four and five deep? - asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

- Yes - the photographer said - And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.

Mrs. Smith leaned forward:

- You mean squirrels actually chewed on your, um......equipment?

- That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work.

- Tripod?????

- Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's fainted!!