Most viewed jokes

Pat was found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal remains wouldn't take a bad turn. At last his friends laid him in the box, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard. As it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They opened the box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure, it's a miracle of God! All rejoiced & they went back and had a few more drinks but later that day, the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold dead. They bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the hill the next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again"

How do you make a glow worm happy?
→ Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted!

Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.

The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said:

- Hey, sarge, why did you stop?

The sarge replied:

- He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

- I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds.

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

- Why, that's amazing! - the doctor says.

- Did you follow my instructions?

The blonde nods:

- I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.

- From hunger, you mean? - said the doctor.

- No, from skipping - replied the blonde.

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter:

- What is that you just served?

The waiter replied:

- Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!

The American, though momentarily daunted, said:

- What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!

The waiter replied:

- I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said:

- These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied:

- Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins.

Why did the one-handed man cross the road?
→ To get to the second hand shop.

The Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that Texas Stadium is going to take out the artificial turf because the cowboys play better on "grass."

The Dallas Cowboys adopted a new "Honor System", Yes your Honor, No your Honor.

The Cowboys had a 12 and 5 season this year, 12 arrests, 5 convictions.

The Cowboys knew they had to do something for their defense, so they hired a new defensive coordinator: Johnny Cochran

How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training?
→ Studying their Miranda Rights.

Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow?
→ So that when you pull their tits, they don't moo.

Fred was definitely more than a bit dumb; when his pal asked him how he had enjoyed his day at the zoo, he replied:

- it was a total con! I saw a sign that said To The Monkeys, so I followed it and saw the monkeys.

- Then I saw another sign that said To The Bears, so I followed that and saw the bears. But when I followed a sign that said To the Exit, I found myself out on the street.

- Didja hear the news? - asked Keenan of his pal at the saloon.

- Harrigan drank so much, his wife left him!

- Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!!