Most viewed jokes

When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.

A young soldier was making his first parachute jump.

The corporal explained the procedure:

- You count to ten and pull the first ripcord. If the chute doesn't open, pull the second. That should do it. Then, after you land, there'll be a truck waiting to pick you up.

The soldier checked his gear, called out the customary "Geronimo!" and jumped out of the plane. He counted to ten and pulled the ripcord. The chute failed to open.

He pulled the second ripcord and the chute still didn't open. As he plummeted downward, he said:

- I'll bet that goddamn truck won't be there either!

Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas. As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims:

- Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis! How have you been?

Father looks at her and says:

- Get outta me face. Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis.

The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and he's a little upset so he tells the cabby:

- Take me to my hotel and step on it.

The cabby turns and says:

- Sure thing sir - Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so great to see you!

- Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!

So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter.

- Oh my God! Oh my God! It's you! - screams the hotel clerk.

- You're back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, complementary hookers and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back!

Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says:

- Thank you... Thank you very much!

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
→ No one knows. Its never happened.

During an auction of exotic pets, a woman who had placed a winning bid told the auctioneer, "I'm paying a fortune for that parrot. I hope he talks as well as you say he does."

"I guarantee it, madam," replied the auctioneer. "Who do you think was bidding against you?"

An old blacksmith relized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do." One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard." Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
→ A flat minor.

What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller?
→ A flat major.

What do you say to an army officer as you're about to run him or her over with a steam roller?
→ Be flat, major.

What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller?
→ See flat major.

What key is "Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight" written in?
→ C sharp or B flat.

What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the grindstone?
→ A sharp major.

What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject you do well in is music?
→ A natural major.

What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?
→ Root position cords.

Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x]. If parallel lines meet at infinity - infinity must be a very noisy place with all those lines crashing together!

- Maths Teacher: Now suppose the number of sheep is x...

- Student: Yes sir, but what happens if the number of sheep is not x?

Zenophobia: the irrational fear of convergent sequences.

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.

If I had only one day left to live, I would live it in my statistics class: it would seem so much longer.

The following appeared on the back page of one of Australia's more outrageous computer publications, "Computing Australia", 21st Sept 1987:

... Blame it on the computer.

An unfriendly computer has been held responsible for a "potentially lethal error" involving a Mafia loan collector.

A New York paper inadvertently put the `heavy' in the running for a pair of custom-fitted concrete shoes when it identified him as a "ruthless informer".

According to a published retraction (and apology!), a writer on the paper had actually typed "ruthless enforcer" - but the computer system's spelling checker liked it the other way.

And I thought the worst you could expect from a "computer error" was a bill for a million dollars!

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter:

- Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.

- Heck, Gloria - the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off.

- we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!