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A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself.

- You don't have to let your wife bully you - he said.

- Go home and show her you're the boss.

The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled:

- From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?

"I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker."

Yo mama is so fat her ass formed it's own website.

Hennessy wasn't a very good looking fellow to start with. Now his business had failed, and his wife and family had left him. Depressed and distracted, he was standing near the edge of the bridge, contemplating suicide. Suddenly, he sensed that someone was behind him, and turning around he saw an ugly little old leprechaun:

- Don't jump - she said:

- and I'll grant you three wishes.

- Right - he said.

- my first wish is to have $100,000.

She said:

- When you check your account, you will find that you are in credit to that amount.

He then said:

- My second wish is to have my wife and children back.

She said:

- They will be there when you get home.

He said:

- My third wish is to be tall and handsome.

She said:

- When you look in the mirror, you will find that your wish has been granted.

Then she added:

- I want you to do something in return for me. I want you to kiss me.

He looked at her and shuddered at the thought. But under the circumstances he thought he should do as she wanted. He took her in his arms and kissed her again and again.

She said:

- What age are you?

He replied:

- I'm forty.

She said:

- Don't you think that you're a bit too old to be believing in leprechauns?

Raleigh, N.C., police charged Vernon Edsel Brooks, 34, with robbing a Radio Shack in July, despite his foresight in disabling a video surveillance camera by taking the camera with him as he fled.

Because he forgot to take the recorder to which the camera was connected, police found a tape containing a full facial shot of Brooks reaching for the camera.

In Annandale, Va., two armed men rushed the front door of First American Bank just after manager Dwight Smith opened up.

Unknown to the men, the door had locked automatically behind Smith.

The first robber bounced off the door hitting the second man.

They escaped in their van and have not been captured.

A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane.

The plane was going down fast, and there were only four parachutes for all five of them.

The pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped.

The pope told the brunette to take the last one.

The brunette said:

- There are still 2 parachutes left! The blonde took my backpack!

THERE WERE THREE OLD LADIES SITTING AROUND THE KITCHEN TABLE; GERTRUDE, SOPHIA, AND HARRIET. GERTRUDE SAID:

- I THINK I'LL GO UPSTAIRS NOW AND TAKE A BATH.

SHE TOOK ALL HER CLOTHES OFF AS SHE WAS FILLING UP THE TUB, SHE HAD ONE FOOT IN THE TUB AND THE OTHER STILL OUTSIDE THE TUB. SHE SAID:

- WAS I GOING INTO THE TUB, OR COMING OUT OF THE TUB?

SOPHIA AND HARRIET WERE DOWNSTAIRS CHATTING WITH EACH OTHER, WHEN SOPHIA SAID:

- YOU KNOW, GERTRUDE'S BEEN UP THERE FOR QUITE A WHILE, I'D BETTER GO CHECK ON HER.

AS SHE WAS GOING UP THE STAIRS SHE STOPPED AND TURNED AROUND AND SAID:

- WAS I GOING UP THE STAIRS, OR COMING DOWN THE STAIRS?

HARRIET WAS LEFT SITTING AT THE TABLE BY HERSELF. AFTER SHE HEARD SOPHIA'S REMARK SHE SAID:

- THANK GOODNESS I'M NOT THAT BAD KNOCK ON WOOD.

- WAS THAT THE FRONT DOOR OR THE BACK DOOR?

There was a large nuclear accident and one of the worlds largest cities was totally destroyed. There were millions of people dead it was a real tragedy.

With that many people of course things got backed up at the pearly gates, where they have to interview everyone. The people were lined up for miles. Then at the front of the line a large cheer went up, and there was much rejoicing. Of course the people at the back of the line were curious about what was happening. Finally one man stepped out and called toward the front of the line:

- what's going on? Someone called back:

- They ain't gonna count fucking.

A wife was berating her husband. He motioned for her to quiet down saying:

- Don't unleash the beast in me.

The wife snickered and replied:

- Unlike a lot of women, 'dear', I'm not the least bit afraid of a mouse.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
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