Most viewed jokes

It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to get married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait.

It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to St. Peter, and said:

- We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?

- Are you kidding? - said St. Peter.

- It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I will never get a lawyer!

So the doctor tells the patient he's got only six months to live.

But the patient doesn't pay his bill on time, so the doctor gives him another six months.

You know you have turned into a Mom when...

- You automatically double-knot everything you tie.

- You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.

- You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!

- You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.

- You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.

- You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.

- You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say: Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?

- You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!

Man Killed Repairing Truck - April 1, 1995

Kalamazoo Gazette -- James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type dump truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could asthe source of a troubling noise. Burns's clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

On Saturday last, I had dinner at a local Chinese restaurant. My fortune read:

- You will gain admiration from your pears.

Comice? Bartlett? Canned? I don't grow or eat them, anyway.

Warning to shoplifters: Anyone caught shoplifting will be beaten, gagged, whipped and tortured. Any survivors will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar:

- What'll you have?

The guy answers:

- A scotch, please.

The bartender hands him the drink, and says:

- That'll be five dollars,

to which the guy replies:

- What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender:

- You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy:

- Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again.

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says:

- What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!

The guy says:

- What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!

The bartender replies:

- I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.

To which the guy replies:

- Thank you. Make it a scotch.

Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien Civilization... Simply send 6 x 10^50 atoms of hydrogen to the star system at the top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your star system at the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other star systems. Within one-tenth of a galactic rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum! IT REALLY WORKS!

During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel.

- Your jeep stuck, sir? - asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

- Nope, Yours is - replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys.

An elderly man thinking his wife was losing her hearing went about 20' behind her and asked "Can you hear me sweetheart?" No reply. Moved to 10' and inquired again. No reply. 5' and not a word. A few inches behind ear, he asked "Can you hear me now honey?" His wife said "For the fourth time, yes."