In the dim and distant past
When life's tempo wasn't so fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat and baby sit.
When the kids were in a jam,
They could always call on Gram.
But today she's in the gym
Exercising to keep slim.
She's checking the web or surfing the net,
Sending some e-mail or placing a bet.
Nothing seems to stop or block her,
Now that Grandma's off her rocker.
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy:
- Do these turkeys get any bigger?
The stock boy replied:
- No ma'am, they're dead.
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
A young Air Force 2nd Lieutenant had just arrived at Misawa AFB in Japan.
He'd been given a beautiful renovated office and had it furnished with antiques.
Sitting there, he saw an enlisted man come into his outer office.
Wishing to appear the hot shot, the officer picked up the phone and started to pretend he was exchanging chit chat with the Base Commander.
He threw Colonel's and General's names around and talked about letting them stay in his Daddy's condo in Hawaii, and then set up a golfing date between him, the Base Commander, and the CO's of the Naval Security Group and Naval Air Facility.
Finally he hung up and asked the Sergeant:
- Can I help you sergeant?
The TSGT said:
- Yes sir, I'm here to activate your phone lines.
As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you dummies fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention. The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow. I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"
- Lawyer: Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?
- Client: After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I'm beginning to think I didn't.
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
→ Both of them.
What is old, wrinkled, and hangs out your underwear?
→ Your Mother...
Two Irish lads had been out shacking up with their girl friends. One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess.
He went into the confession booth and told the Father:
- Father, I have sinned. I have committed fornication with a lady. Please forgive me.
The Father said:
- Tell me who the lady was.
The lad said he couldn't do that and the Father said he couldn't grant him forgiveness unless he did.
- Was it Mollie O'Grady? - asked the Father.
- No.
- Was it Rosie Kelly?
- No.
- Was it that red-headed wench Tessie O'Malley?
- No.
- Well then - said the Father - You'll not be forgiven.
When the lad met his friend outside the friend asked:
- So, did you find forgiveness.
- No - said the other - but I picked up three good prospects!
Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
