and the Number One New Year Resolution for Cookie is...
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."
Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
How do you know if you cat's got a bad cold?
→ He has cat-arrh!
What is cleverer than a talking cat?
→ A spelling bee!
How do you know that cats are sensitive creatures?
→ They never cry over spilt milk!
What do you get if you cross a cat and a gorilla?
→ An animal that puts you out a night!
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangeroo?
→ A stripey jumper!
What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar?
→ A sourpuss!
How are tigers like sergeants in the army?
→ They both wear stripes!
A doctor is talking to a car mechanic:
- Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care.
- Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month.
- Artery -- Study of paintings
- Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
- Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
- Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
- Caesarean section -- District in Rome
- Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
- Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
- Colic -- Sheep dog
- Coma -- A punctuation mark
- Congenital -- Friendly
- D&C -- Where Washington is
- Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
- Dilate -- To live long
- Enema -- Not a friend
- Fester -- Quicker
- Fibula -- A small lie
- G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game
- Grippe -- Suitcase
- Hangnail -- Coathook
- Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
- Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee
- Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
- Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
- Morbid -- Higher offer
- Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
- Node -- Was aware of
- Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
- Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
- Post operative -- Letter carrier
- Protein -- Favoring young people
- Rectum -- It almost killed him
- Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
- Rheumatic -- Amorous
- Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf
- Secretion -- Hiding anything
- Seizure -- Roman emperor
- Serology -- Study of knighthood
- Tablet -- Small table
- Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
- Tibia -- Country in North Africa
- Tumor -- An extra pair
- Urine -- Opposite of you're out
- Varicose -- Located nearby
- Vein -- Conceited
A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations.
He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The lawyer immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The lawyer protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears.
The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the lawyer was willing to change venue to Hell. The lawyer asked:
- Why can appeals be heard so much sooner in Hell?
The devil answered:
- We have all of the judges.
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.
- How are you grandpa? - he asks.
- Feeling fine - says the old man.
- What's the food like?
- Terrific, wonderful menus.
- And the nursing?
- Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you.
- What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?
- No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light.
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge.
- What are you people doing? - he asks.
- I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?
- Oh, yes - replies the nurse.
- Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him rolling out of bed.
ELEMENT: WOMAN
SYMBOL: WO
DISCOVERER: ADAM
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 53.6 Kg, but known to vary from 40 to 200 Kg.
OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities in all urban areas.
Physical Properties:
Chemical Properties:
Common Uses:
Tests:
Hazards:
A new medical study has shown that a woman's breast-feeding isn't adversely affected by aerobics. It was found, however, to be pretty distracting to guys in the class.
