Most viewed jokes

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window.

Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does this he says to the woman:

- Do you know what I'm doing?

- Yes, - she says.

- you're checking for any abrasions or dermatolegical abnormalities.

- That's right, - says the doctor.

He then begins to fondle her breasts.

- Do you know what I'm doing now? - he asks.

- Yes, - says the woman.

- you're checking for any lumps of breast cancer.

- That's right, - replies the doctor.

He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her:

- Do you know what I'm doing now?

- Yes, - she says.

- You're getting herpes.

British Rail have decided to start sponsoring Forest. BR think they are a suitable team because of their regular points failures.

There is a very dangerous virus going around and it is propogated through the email system. If you get an email message with the subject: "VIRUS ALERT!" do not open the mail message. If you do, the virus scrambles the second half of every text file on your system.

VERY IMPORTANT: If you do get this virus, the first thing dlkfjaiddfdjas nairb gfdq40wt yaj asdfsdg dluog av da[agj asdfajpg asdflasidffnm asd difvu asdfa vgoiae vdsofj we dasdf 9efm sd dag0 g adfjdl5gkj dkllj djf hsas9kaj kuieh nx3glkj gkdls kd li8siue ghkld hks1as dg 0vbwe ads gwefawe ads vewerwe dsf!

How do you keep the neighborhood kids off your front lawn?
→ You molest them!.

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary.

Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude. He was constantly saying polite words and playing soft music, he did anything he could think of. Nothing worked. When he yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird got madder and ruder. Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then suddenly, there was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said:

- I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions, so I ask for your forgiveness. I will try to correct my behavior.

David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had changed him when the parrot continued:

- May I ask what the chicken did?

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying:

- Jesus is watching you.

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard:

- Jesus is watching you.

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

- Did you say that? - He hissed at the parrot.

- Yep - the parrot confessed, then squawked:

- I'm just trying to warn you.

The burglar relaxed:

- Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?

- Moses - replied the bird.

- Moses? - the burglar laughed.

- What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?

The bird promptly answered:

- Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller "Jesus"!

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO KEEP IF YOU'RE A NERD

16. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
17. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.
18. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply:

- LOL... LOL!

13. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
14. I will try to figure out why I really need 9 e-mail addresses.
15. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.
16. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.
17. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.
18. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.
19. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.
20. I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.
21. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*
22. I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...
23. I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.
24. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.
25. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

Where do you take sick ponies?
→ To the horsepital!

What do you say if you see a flying pig?
→ 'I see bacon's going up'!

Who tells chicken jokes?
→ Comedihens!

What do you get if you cross pigs with a lot of grapes?
→ A swine gut!

Why did the chicken cross the road at the fairground?
→ To get to the other side!

What did the lovesick bull say to the cow?
→ 'When I fall in love it will be for heifer'!

Why were the hens lying on their backs with their legs in the air?
→ Because eggs were going up!

What do you call a sheep with no legs or head?
→ A cloud!

What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
→ An egg-splosion!

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.
Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.
Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Verbal: Able to whine in words
Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.
Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

The following is a true story, and this situation supposedly occurred in a real courtroom.

At a trial, an attorney was putting witnesses through an exacting cross-examination, and was taking great delight into forcing witnesses to admit that they did not remember every single detail of an automobile accident. While the lawyer knew that no witness has a perfect memory, he had honed a skill in exploiting minor inconsistencies and lapses of memory in order to challenge the credibility of honest witnesses. After a series of scathing cross-examinations, he was looking forward to his examination of yet another witness.

- Did you actually see the accident? - he asked.

The witness responded with a polite:

- Yes, sir.

- How far away were you when the accident happened?

- I was Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarters inches away from the point of collision.

- Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarter inches? - the lawyer asked, sarcastically.

- Do you expect us to believe that your memory is so good, and your sense of distance is so precise, that months after the accident you can come into court and give that type of detail?

The witness was unphased.

- Sir, I had a hunch that some obnoxious, know-it-all lawyer would ask me the distance, and would try to make it seem like I was lying if I could not give an exact answer. So I got a tape measure, and measured out the exact distance