Most viewed jokes

There were two people having sex in a car. They finished up and the guy threw the condom out the window. His girlfriend got mad at him, she wanted to go again. So he got out of the car and went to find the condom. He found that a little boy had found it and when he asked for it back the boy refused.

- C'mon - he begged:

- I'll give u a dollar.

- Well - the little boy thought:

- Okay.

So the little boy ran home.

- Mom, you'll never guess what just happened! I sold this guy a twinky for a dollar, but I tricked him. I sucked the cream out of it first!

During the Mexican/American war, an intense long standoff occured along the front. For days and days neither side made any advances. Finally, an American general had a bright idea. He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled:

- Hey Juan!.....

A soldier jumped up and replied:

- What?

The general shot him dead. This continued for three days. A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and decided to try it out. He called out:

- Hey John!!

An American replied:

- John isn't here......is that you Juan?

The Mexican general stood up:

- Yeah?!.....

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says:

- See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?

Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.

- Very good Sally - the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hands.

- See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?

Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra.

- Very good Billy - the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal.

- See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?

Still no one guesses.

- Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father.

Johnny shouts out:

- I know what it is, it's a horny bastard.

A young man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job. The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, but the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided. You will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is $200,000 a year.". The young man said, "You're bullshitting me, man!" The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it!"

OLD POSTAL CARRIERS never die, they just lose their zip
OLD PRINTERS never die, they're just not the type
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just byte it
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just decompile
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just get bugged with life
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just go to bits
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just lose their memory
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just move to new addresses
OLD PROGRAMMING WIZARDS never die, they just recurse
OLD PROPANE TANKS never die, they just run out of gas
OLD PROSITUTES never die, they just fake away...
OLD PUNTERS never die, they just go horse
OLD QUARTERBACKS never die, they just fade back and pass away
OLD QUILTERS never die, they just go to pieces
OLD QUILTERS never die, they just go under cover

The government's system administration team, working with computer manufacturers and experts in the computer industry, has found a lower cost alternative to address the Y2K (Year 2000) issue: The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by December 31, 1999. In exchange for taking every computer, an Etch-A-Sketch will be issued to all Americans. There are many reasons for doing this:

1. No Y2K problems.
2. No technical glitches keeping working from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing E-Mails.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

My Etch-A-Sketch has funny lines all over the screen. What do I do?
→ Pick it up and shake it.

How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
→ Pick it up and shake it.

What's the shortcut for Undo?
→ Pick it up and shake it.

How do I create a new document?
→ Pick it up and shake it.

How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
→ Pick it up and shake it.

What is the proper procedure for re-booting my Etch-A-Sketch ?
→ Pick it up and shake it.

How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch ?
→ Pick it up and shake it.

How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch Document ?
→ Don't shake it.

A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.

Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes.

- There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us - he announced.

- Since I'm the pilot, I get one!

After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

- I'm the world's greatest athlete - proclaimed Michael Jordon.

- This world needs great athletes, so I must live.

Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.

- I'm the smarest man in the world - bragged Bill Gates.

- The world needs smart men, so I must also live!

Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

At this point, the Pope began to speak:

- I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane.

- You don't have to stay here! The world's smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack.

A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming:

- I won a motor home! I won a motor home!

The waitress runs over and argues:

- That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stero system!

The blonde replies:

- No. I won a motor home!

By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues:

- You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as one of our prizes.

Again the blonde says:

- There is no mistake! I won a motor home!

The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads:

- WIN A BAGEL.

What is the worst thing about our justice system?
→ You're leaving your fate in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!

Mr. John Hinkley
St. Elizabeth Hospital
Washington D.C.

Dear John,

Hillary and I just wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness. Therefore, we want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We are well aware of how mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. Hillary and I are confident you will soon make a complete recovery, and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive citizen.

Best wishes,
Bill Clinton
President
United States of America

P.S. Just thought you might like to know, Ken Starr is fucking Jodie Foster.